Painting the White to Gray
by B.J. Sanders
Summary: When we left to go upstairs, I didn't let go. I had his arm and I had no intention of letting go. NaruSasuNaru, KakaIru. NejiHina. GaaLee. Not your average high school. AU. Selfharm, suicidal tendencies. Uchihacest.
1. 01: Never Good Enough For You

**STORY TITLE: **Painting the White to Gray

**CHAPTER TITLE: **Never Good Enough For You

**AUTHOR:** B.J. Sanders

**RATING:** T (rating may increase in further chapters)

**WARNING:** Suicidal tendencies, self-mutilation, homosexuality, bisexuality, pervert-Kakashi, angst-Naruto, Naruto POV

**STORY SUMMARY: **Sometimes, pain is unbearable, and people need a way to escape. But diferent people cope in different ways.

**CHAPTER SUMMARY:** Naruto tries to commit suicide and fails, so he tries to escape from his pain and finds it more difficult than he thought.

**DISCLAIMER: **I own nothing that isn't mine. (If I did, I'm scared of what kind of characters I'd turn Naruto and Sasuke into. Scary thought, ne?)

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **I got the title for this story from a song by Chimaira. I haven't actually heard the song, only read the lyrics on self-injury (dot) com. I got the idea for this story from a book, "Out of the Darkness: Teens Talk About Suicide", as well as from personal experience. Well, somewhat from personal experience.

And, please, don't say that the character(s) hasn't gone through enough to try to commit suicide, because you'd be surprised what can push a person over the edge, what to some can seem small and unimportant while to others can be the thing that pushes them over the edge.

If you don't understand the reason for suicide, or the reason doesn't seem clear to you, just ask, and I will do my best to explain.

Also, this is a multi-chaptered story. YES, I am TRYING to write and commit to writing chapters and updating – hopefully on a regular basis. If I fail at this, I am truly sorry. I hope you will be able to forgive me.

Please review and tell me what you think of this chapter. I hope to update shortly!

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"I think a lot of what is going on with kids who get pushed too far and attempt either murder of suicide is that they are trying to deal with their own non-existence for the people who are supposed to care most for them."

-- RICHARD RUSSO

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People don't talk about suicide despite the fact that's it's the third leading cause of death following accidents and homicide; it's the second cause of death for teenagers. Everyday, suicide rates increase, and yet nobody talks about it. Parents talk about safe sex and drug use frequently – at least, alert (and smart) parents do – but never taking one's own life.

However, with the rising number of teenagers turning to suicide, it should be added to the list of "Talks". Any good parent would; mine never did.

Suicide is a weird thing, a strange thought. And I can understand why it's such a taboo subject for so many people. The mere idea that someone would want to kill himself is… well, the idea isn't very open for discussion. It's just not something "normal" people talk about. But it's "normal" people who usually end up trying it: the little boy down the street who always smiles; the straight-A student everyone thinks is a nerd; the girl one seat over who always laughs; the silent boy in the back corner who likes to look out the window.

It could be anyone – someone who's tried, someone who's planning to. But, since nobody speaks about suicide, those people who _need_ to talk _can't_. And oftentimes, teenagers don't feel as though they can talk to their parents, who are usually part of the problem; sometimes, they can't even talk to their friends.

Since this leaves so many options closed – guidance counselors and doctors don't always help – suicide seems to become a better idea, as it seems nobody is willing to listen, to hear about the problems that make life seem so worthless.

My parents never listened. They already had my entire future planned out; it seemed to fall apart the day I brought home my first C. After that I never seemed to be able to do anything good enough – I figured 'why try?' They weren't praising me for the good work I did; they didn't say anything when I tried something new, something _they _wanted for me.

When I discovered that wasn't what I wanted to do, I started doing other stuff – that only gave them the incentive to call me names and talk about my "impudence" to their friends: I wasn't good enough; I was lazy, good-for-nothing, and destroying my life.

According to my father, writers were "lazy and stupid", and half of them were either "addicted to drugs, or drunk". But that's what I wanted to be: a writer. Unfortunately, my mother and – especially – father didn't have a very high opinion of my occupational choice; I stopped caring what they thought a long time ago, sometime after I moved out, which they weren't too thrilled about.

When I told them I was getting an apartment of my own we got into a huge dispute about capabilities and insecurities. I was "incapable and insecure", unable to fully depend upon myself – I was too needy, I'd come "crawling back home in no time". I _love_ when parents have the utmost faith in their children.

When I tried suicide, I was still living with them; they'd been talking about my failure as a son earlier, thinking I couldn't hear through my bedroom door. They said some bad things – I don't think they really meant it to come out sounding so hurtful, but I hadn't had a good day, so I was already depressed. When I heard, I suppose it pushed me a little too far over the edge.

I'd thought about it before, but I never thought things would get so bad that I'd actually _consider_ and follow through. I remember taking the knife my dad had given me the Christmas before, thinking how wonderful it'd be for him to see me using it; it didn't bother me that they were in the next room – maybe they'd come running when they heard my body crash into the dresser and hit the floor.

And they did, looking furious as ever until they saw the gash in my wrist, my knife held in the opposite hand, soiled red and shiny. My mother looked ready to cry; dad rolled his eyes and scoffed – if I'd wanted to die I would've, is what he said. This was just another failure to him.

After that, Mom could never really look me in the face, and Dad growled and got defensive when I tried to talk to him – I was isolated and alone, a disappointment to the only people who ever really mattered.

I didn't understand it – what was I doing wrong? I try to kill myself, they withdraw; I need someone to talk to; there's no one around. Had I any real friends, I may have spoken with them, but they were all people my parents had picked out for me to hang around – all of them seemed fake, stuffy, too good for people who didn't have _at least_ a thousand dollars as pocket change.

I was surprised they even _considered _me a candidate of "friendship"; none of them knew that I moved, that I had tried to kill myself, that I was a poor white boy with family issues. The only thing they knew about me was that I was an overactive blonde with way too much energy. And our little group of "friends" only had one thing in common: the need to overcome the burdens of our families and make a life of our own.

So far, I was the only one taking the steps to leading my own life, to making my own choices; it was a special time for me, but nobody seemed to understand that. Sometimes… it felt no one ever would.

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The apartment I moved into was small, but since it was just me it's size was comfortable enough. I didn't have many possessions – a few pictures, my bed, clothing and such – so it wasn't very hard, and it didn't take very long. It was actually quite homey, warm colors decorating the walls and nice neighbors bringing home-cooked welcoming gifs. It was a nice change from home.

I'd never bothered telling my parents where I was; I figured they'd know where to go if they needed me badly enough.

My landlord was friendly, too, though a bit of a pervert – he was always carrying around an orange book, an age warning on the cover. It seemed he was always up to no good. But he was nice, and he seemed to understand what I was going through even though I had told him nothing of my life. I think his life motto is "Look beneath the underneath", or something like that. Actually, I think he's kind of crazy.

Kakashi – that's my landlord – was bisexual, always saying that life's too short to leave anything out, even if it is the love – or carnal passion, as it usually was – of another man. And he flaunted it gladly, flirting with both married and single neighbors. He told me he was already taken, though that had never stopped him before, so he continued; he never meant anything he said when flirting anyway. He wouldn't tell me his boyfriend's name.

It was summer when I moved, so I was looking forward to going to school again – it would be my senior year, a chance to make new friends, _real _friends who didn't care that I had no money, didn't care that I wasn't always happy.

My classes were easy, but I'd have to work hard to get the grades I'd need to get into the college I wanted, but I was willing to work for what _I_ wanted; I didn't have my parents breathing down my back, either, so it wouldn't be as difficult to mark my own path.

My best class – my _favorite_ – was English, with Iruka-sensei teaching. He really liked my papers, my whole style of writing – he said I had real potential, that he'd work with me on my mistakes, break through my boundaries.

He was a good teacher, a bit shy and lenient, and not very open about his homosexuality – which I had only guessed on accident. I'd never really thought he was gay, but at the blush and stutter, I knew I was correct in my assumption. He wouldn't tell me his boyfriend's name, either, but from the scowl and muttering of perverts and smut-books, I think I could guess.

I had two good people to turn to if I needed help with anything, but I think it's ironic that they happened to be dating each other.

Several times I ran into Iruka out of school, and he was always smiling and happy – I couldn't help but wonder if he had any problems with his family when he was younger, if he'd ever tried to kill himself. But I never really got around to asking – I didn't want to ruin his good mood, or make him worry needlessly.

I thought maybe making a new life for myself, moving out of my parents reach, making new friends, starting afresh, would make it easier to forget my pain, forget the fact that I had tried to commit suicide.

But it seemed to haunt me everywhere I turned, so I could not forget. I needed something else to ease the pain, anything, so long as I didn't hurt anymore.

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To Be Continued…


	2. 02: It Keeps the Pain Away

**STORY TITLE: **Painting the White to Gray

**CHAPTER TITLE: **It Keeps the Pain Away

**AUTHOR:** B.J. Sanders

**RATING:** T (rating may increase in further chapters)

**WARNING:** Suicidal tendencies, self-mutilation, pervert-Kakashi, angst-Naruto, Naruto POV

**STORY SUMMARY: **Sometimes, pain is unbearable, and people need a way to escape. But different people cope in different ways.

**CHAPTER SUMMARY:** A new student arrives in class at the beginning of the week; at the end of the week, Kiba throws a party and Naruto decides to go.

**DISCLAIMER: **I own nothing that isn't mine. (If I did, I'm scared of what kind of characters I'd turn Naruto and Sasuke into. Scary thought, ne?)

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Ah, I'm so happy people really like this! It's like an antidepressant, only it's better, because it's not a medicated prescription. Hehe… yeah.

Currently, I'm working on Chapter Three, and I'm plotting the outline for Chapter Four. Hopefully they'll be up soon. I already have the ending planned out, but I have to write the in-between before you'll find out about that.

And just so you know, there WILL be boy love, for those of you who want to know. But I'm going to try to take it slow, instead of just rushing-slash-fumbling right into it like I have in previous stories.

For this story, I'm taking inspiration from all around me: thoughts, feelings, lyrics, poems, stories, music videos, things I've witnessed and things I haven't.

And since I don't have my canvas and oil paints, I've been working on this for a majority of the time – and Brasso-ing the neighbor's brass horse, which is very shiny and glossy now. Anyway, I've been wanting to paint Ayers Rock for the past month or so, and the current loss of Steve Irwin has me wanting to do so even more, but as I stated earlier, I can't so I've put forth all my efforts into this story.

Please review and tell me what you think so far.

Thank you.

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"Smiling is only a symptom of happiness and can be faked. Do not assume that everybody who smiles is happiness."

-- JESSICA ALBERT

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The day began afresh, with a hot shower, followed by a full warm meal and Monday morning cartoons. The alarm clock, I have to admit, was a bit annoying, buzzing in my ear until I fumbled for the snooze button – which only lasted for two-and-a-half minutes; and falling out of the bed was a major headache waiting to happen.

When I passed Kakashi on my way out, he was smiling – or was he yawning? – and scratching his head in a lazy manner. I was surprised he didn't have his little orange book with him; I asked him about it before I left.

"I finished it," he said, shrugging. "Now I'm waiting for the next one."

It was a simple answer, and I was satisfied – I'm sure Iruka would be happy when he came by later.

The trip to school was uneventful, save for the dog on the corner who thinks I'm cat – or a giant walking sirloin. Either way, I've learned to run away very quickly. My new friends laugh every time they ask how my morning's gone.

The first class of the day is English with Iruka-sensei, who also happens to be my landlord's boyfriend. He helps me with my writing, and he says I keep improving everyday – it's amazing, really.

About two months ago I moved out of my parents' house and into my own little apartment, away from my controlling mother and father who thought I was a failure. Before I moved though, I tried to kill myself, and when my mom and dad came in to see me bleeding to death, they saw it as another failure in the fact that I wasn't yet dead. It seemed I could do nothing right.

The atmosphere there wasn't good for me; it only created more tension, more reason to hurt myself, to kill myself. By myself and alone, things seemed to get a little better, but it didn't last; it never lasted.

I couldn't talk about it – people just didn't talk about things like that, and my parents would only make it worse, so that wasn't an option.

Iruka was good to talk to, but I couldn't tell him everything – just that I was feeling a little down, a little tired. Kakashi knew better, but never said anything about it, and part of me welcomed that comforting thought.

That day we got a new student in class, a dark brooding soul that at least half the girls gushed over the moment they saw him – though I will admit that he was cute, to say the least.

Iruka introduced him as Sasuke, new to the town. He was silent, didn't speak much even when asked to answer a question – in fact, I was beginning to wonder if he was mute until Sakura started to shamelessly flirt, constantly praising his every action, and he said, "Go away. You're annoying."

But that was only incentive to further the flirtatious acts. To be honest, it was disgusting and disturbing. I wouldn't be able to stand it, but I assumed he was accustomed to it, if his constant air of annoyance and indifference was anything to go by.

He stared out the window all through class, looking at the clouds and the trees; he didn't pay attention to Iruka's lectures even though he was able to correctly answer any question he was given. I thought it was interesting how he did that, seeming without any mind at all.

I wanted to talk to him after class, but he was too distant; I didn't want to bother him. Maybe I'd try another time, when he didn't feel so out of place and uncomfortable. I knew how it felt to be the new kid, and it wasn't something I wanted to force on anyone, let alone the new kid.

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There was a party that Friday, and I was invited. It was being thrown by Kiba, one of my new friends. He was a bit on the wild side, crazy and rambunctious and loud, but for some reason, people seemed to be naturally attracted to him; he was friends with damn near everyone – and that's who all he'd invited: everyone, even Sasuke.

But Sasuke didn't come; he hadn't been to school the past two days. No one knew why; no one ever talked to him. He was silent and withdrawn and weird, wearing long sleeved shirts even though it was summer; he even wore long sleeves in P.E. even though it was against dress code. Nobody argued with him though.

Before I left for the party, I made sure Kakashi and Iruka – who was staying over at Kakashi's – knew I was heading out. I told myself it was just a precaution, a good deed to tell them so they wouldn't worry, but Kakashi had a glint in his eye when he told me to be careful; he knew there would be alcohol, and possibly drugs, and he didn't want me to hurt myself, despite the fact that I already had.

I took the bus – partly for the fact that I didn't want to take the chance at driving home intoxicated, though it would be a good way to go – and got off about a block or two from Kiba's house; already I could hear the pounding bass and the loud ruckus. I was sure at least half of the people there were already under one influence or another. To add to the effect, there were colorful strobe lights set up all around the house and in the yard.

Inside there was a little table set up, loaded with drinks, most of which were alcoholic; I didn't want to know where Kiba had gotten them. I grabbed one that vaguely reminded me of a bottle in my father's liquor cabinet; it even tasted the same.

The smoke in the air was making my mind hazy, and the alcohol was giving me a headache even though I'd only had two glasses, so I headed for the bathroom, looting through the medications behind the mirror. I grabbed a random bottle and poured several pills into my hand, not minding the dosage or the fact that I would be mixing it with alcohol.

When I realized what I had done, it didn't seem like such a bad thing. My parents didn't care – wouldn't care if I died; as far as they knew I was already dead, the failure that I was. And it didn't matter that I had friends, or nice neighbors, or that I was finally aloud to make my own decisions.

It didn't matter anymore; my father wanted a perfect son, but what he got was me. If there was one thing I could do, I'd give him the next best thing.

The alcohol and the aspirin were mixing in my system, but I was moving around too much, enjoying the music even though my brain was pounding inside my head; I made it to the bathroom in time to empty my stomach into the toilet, taking with it the majority of the pills I had taken, and a good portion of the alcohol.

The cold porcelain felt good against my heated flesh as I rested my head against the bowl, doing my best to ignore the sting of vomit in my nose and throat, ignore the fact that the room was spinning out of control and I desperately needed to brush my teeth. I sat there on the floor, listening to the party as it slowly started to die away, as people passed out and were driven home by their sober friends.

When I heard the footsteps pounding up the stairs, coming nearer and nearer, I was afraid for a moment that it was father again, coming to ridicule my lack of success once more, or maybe my mother, secretly horrified that I would do such a thing, outwardly disgusted and confused. Could my life really be that bad that I would try something like this? That's what she'd want to know, but she'd never have the courage to ask.

But when the door opened, I was almost relieved to find it wasn't one of my parents – or both. It was Kiba, slowly filling the doorway as he observed me truly for what seemed the first time. His narrow eyes were confused, which I could understand. Somehow, he felt hurt, and angry that I would do something like this.

He turned away, and part of me hoped that he would leave me there so I could have another reason to end it, so that maybe I wouldn't get the help I needed, that maybe there was enough of the mix still in my system that I wouldn't have to face up to anybody on Monday, when Kiba was sure to tell everyone.

To my surprise, he called a few of his friends over to help him lift me, get me to the guest bedroom where I could rest and recover. Before he closed the door, he gave me a sharp, pointed look. He wanted answers, and he was going to get them.

The next morning, when he came up to tell me that breakfast was ready and waiting, he found an empty room and a tear-soaked pillow. I wasn't yet ready for the questions he wanted to ask, and that was as clear as the Vodka I'd taken; hopefully, he'd understand that.

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To Be Continued…

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Thank you for those who have reviewed:

**pUppetEEr-NiNja**

**blondy-10-22**

**faye-assasin**

**haunting hanyou**

**Between The Nightmares** _(Indeed, it is interesting the way parents are; mine didn't care one way or another, they just like ridiculing ALL of my friends.)_


	3. 03: Sometimes It's Okay

**STORY TITLE: **Painting the White to Gray

**CHAPTER TITLE: **Sometimes It's Okay

**AUTHOR:** B.J. Sanders

**RATING:** T (rating may increase in further chapters)

**WARNING:** Suicidal tendencies, self-mutilation, pervert-Kakashi, angst-Naruto, Naruto POV _(For further reference, YAOI will not be a warning; I agree with faye-assasin: love is love, regardless of gender. They don't have heterosexuality as a warning, so why homosexuality?)_

**STORY SUMMARY: **Sometimes, pain is unbearable, and people need a way to escape. But different people cope in different ways. (Sorry, I changed the summary, but I suppose this can be a different way to look at it, so I'll keep it.)

**CHAPTER SUMMARY:** Naruto's friends want answers; he looks for some alone-time, but finds that is the last thing he needs.

**DISCLAIMER: **I own nothing that isn't mine. (If I did, I'm scared of what kind of characters I'd turn Naruto and Sasuke into. Scary thought, ne?)

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **I've just recently changed the summary; sorry if it confuses anyone. And I forgot to add AU to the warnings (and the fact that it's a high school fic) in the first chapter. So here they are now. And they should be shown in the next chapter.

I haven't written much in the past few days, mostly because I haven't been feeling well. It sucks, but I'm hoping it's all over with. I probably just need to get more sleep.

I'm so happy that people actually like this story. Every time I get a review it's like an antidepressant or something. It makes me so happy! My roommate usually looks at me funny then calls me an idiot. She's so nice, ne?

I have a question: does anybody actually read the author's note?

**-**

How will you know I am hurting,

If you cannot see my pain?

To wear it on my body

Tells what words cannot explain.

-- C. BLOUNT

**-**

When I woke up, it was just another Monday, but as the events of the weekend – namely the party – came back to me, I began to dread it. How would I face Kiba? How would I face those of whom he'd told? I was scared to think about how many people knew, who would know by the end of the day.

I bid farewell to Kakashi who mysteriously always knew something was wrong, and made my was to school, trying to walk as slowly as possible, taking the longest route I could think of. But I knew it wouldn't last forever; I had to go to school eventually, and I would inevitably have to face my friends and conjure up some excuse for my behavior on Friday.

But there was doubt – Kiba would surely know I was lying, he'd seen the look I had on my face before he'd closed the door; he knew there was something wrong with me, so there was no use lying to anybody. Sooner or later the truth would get out anyway, so why bother?

I met Kiba before first class, so we had a few minutes to talk. When I walked up to him, he looked confused for a moment, and I almost thought that maybe he didn't remember, that he thought Friday was just a hallucination or a dream. But I had no such luck; after excusing himself from his current conversation, he pulled me away to sit under a tall oak in the back of the school, a few minutes away from the bus loop.

He watched me, waiting for me to start talking and explaining myself before he said anything that might ruin our friendship; I was scared it was already over. After a deafening silence that only seemed to linger the longer we fidgeted uncomfortably, he spoke, breaking me away from saddened thoughts of ending friendship.

"Naruto…" he frowned, as if not knowing where to go from there. He paused, considering for a moment, before continuing. "What were you thinking?"

His voice wasn't harsh, like I expected it to be; it was soft, hurt, sounding betrayed. I wasn't sure what to say, what would be appropriate so as not to emotionally injure him further.

"I…I wasn't," I faltered, hoping desperately that I didn't sound as sorrowful and helpless as I felt. "I wasn't thinking, not really. My parents…"

The morning bell shrewdly rang, marking the five minutes we had to get to glass. Kiba stood, obviously intent on continuing this conversation later. Before he could go, I grabbed helplessly at his arm, trying hard not to squeeze too tightly; I wanted to finish my earlier statement, even if it did make both of us late. I needed to tell someone, and he was currently the only one around, the only one offering an ear.

"My parents, they're not nice people, you know?"

I could tell by the furrow of his brow that he didn't understand; did I mean that they beat me? That they hurt me verbally, mentally, sexually? What did I mean? I decided to elaborate, though just slightly.

"They're decent enough I suppose, but they're not parent-types. I don't want to live a lie, Kiba, and if I have to, I'd rather die."

He nodded, not quite understanding, but glad that I told him, if only a small part; he'd get a bigger piece of the picture at lunch, when he had reinforcements surrounding me.

And indeed, at lunch, Kiba and the rest of my newly-found friends gathered round me, mentally prodding me to tell why I had taken pills with alcohol – anyone knew it wasn't something good to mix. But that's exactly why I'd done it.

They waited for answers to questions they hadn't even asked, watching me closely. If they wanted the truth, I decided, not quite angry with all the attention they were giving me, but certainly not happy, I'd give it to them in all its unhappy glory.

I sighed, running my hands over my face tiredly. I looked at each of them, reading that they were ready to face my demons – it was a true test of friendship.

"My parents were never happy with me. They wanted me to be perfect, but I wanted to be me; that didn't work for them. They called me names, talked behind my back to their upper-class friends; one day it became too much."

I stopped, closing my eyes. Was I ready for this? Were they? It didn't matter, I had to show them. Quickly, I pulled up the sleeve of my shirt, showing them the few thick white lines that decorated my wrist – I didn't have to explain, it was pretty self-explanatory. And this time they did understand, understood better than the so-called friends I'd had before.

As it turns out, Lee had tried to commit suicide too – who would have thought it? – about two years ago, but Gai-sensei had helped him out of his depression; he had been an orphan, trying to find somewhere he fit in. Everybody ridiculed him, but Gai taught him it wasn't what other's thought about him, it was what was inside. I was amazed that someone as upbeat as Lee could _ever_ be depressed, let alone suicidal.

Haku had been in a similar situation, only people didn't ridicule him – they praised him, then used him. He'd almost died of hypothermia when he was found by Zabuza-san, who had been doing a drug bust with his squad. It was his job to help the helpless, and the hurt little boy he'd found that night had wedged himself into Zabuza's heart and refused to let go.

Kiba was bipolar and slightly paranoid, but he had medication so it didn't often affect his daily life; his paranoia did explain his jumpiness though, and the reason he was always so tense. Evidently, mental disorders ran in his family; his sister Hana was bipolar too, as was his mother.

Then they told me something weird, about someone I'd never really spoken to, but who was going through some similar problems; it explained his absence for the pass half-week, and why he always wore long sleeves: Sasuke cut himself, and just last week he'd tried to kill himself, but he was stopped by his brother.

I didn't know how they knew, and I don't suppose I really cared much. I needed to be alone for a little while, someplace no one would bother me. Unfortunately, I was at school, someone was everywhere.

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During my study period, I usually go into Iruka's, if only for the warm familiar presence. That day, however, he was giving me weird looks, as though he didn't understand what I was doing there, talking to him; he was looking at me as though I was a puzzle that couldn't be put together.

It was a little disturbing, to say the least, to think that maybe he saw through me, that maybe he had overheard me during lunch talking to Kiba, Lee, and Haku, that he knew where my thoughts had been for more than half the day.

But I endured the questioning gaze for an hour or so before leaving for my last class – and then it would be home, where I'd try not to think too much on hurting myself or doing anything even more drastic. But there was no promise – that was something I knew all too well.

I made it home in one piece, in one state of mind though a little shaken from all the thoughts running through my head, threatening to tear my brain apart; I ran the water for the bath, making sure it would scald me before stepping in, clothes and shoes still on.

I leaned back, dipping my head under water. I wanted to stay like this, embraced by warmth on all sides, my mind too fuzzy to determine that I needed air to breathe lest I stay under for the rest of my life, which wouldn't be very long if I did. So I opened my eyes and breathed air in deep, fully relaxed as I looked around.

My eyes landed on a razor I hadn't even known I had; my mind wandered to 'what if'. Should I do it, I thought. My fingers itched for it, and I actually felt myself reaching, but then I remembered Iruka watching me, the looks Kiba had given. What was I doing, thinking like this?

I wasn't living with my parents anymore – I had a life of my own, where I could make my own choices, my own decisions. That didn't involve hurting or trying to kill myself. Despite feeling a bit lonely and repressed, I had no reason.

Why would I want this? What was there to gain? If I died, that would be it – no watching in sick fascination as Mom and Dad realized that _they_ were the one's who failed, no watching people mourn, the few that there'd be.

My thoughts only seemed to get darker and darker – that was a dangerous thing, a time when I shouldn't be alone, no matter what I might say.

That moment, as I stepped out of the tub and began drying off and changing, I decided what I needed to do – he knew things, he'd understand, I told myself. And before I knew it, I was standing before Kakashi's door, knocking, in desperate need to talk to someone.

I only hoped I was doing the right thing.

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To Be Continued…

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Thank you for the reviews! Much love!

Mirokufangirl (_I've done it twice, but both times have fallen through. I had friends there, but I moved away from them, and now the only friend I have here treats me like my parents did. It sucks, believe me. I hope things go well for you.)_

kusuri

xcloudx

Between The Nightmares

akiryuu _(Subconsciously, he really was trying, but didn't realize it until afterward.)_

pUppetEEr-NiNja

Kyo's only 1

dragonmaster1703


	4. 04: I Hurt Myself Too

**STORY TITLE: **Painting the White to Gray

**CHAPTER TITLE: **I Hurt Myself Too

**AUTHOR:** B.J. Sanders

**RATING:** T (rating may increase in further chapters)

**WARNING:** Suicidal tendencies, self-mutilation, pervert-Kakashi, angst-Naruto, Naruto POV. Also, since I didn't put it up earlier, it's AU in a high school setting.

**STORY SUMMARY: **Sometimes, pain is unbearable, and people need a way to escape. But different people cope in different ways.

**CHAPTER SUMMARY: **Iruka confronts Naruto, then Naruto confronts Sasuke.

**DISCLAIMER: **I own nothing that isn't mine. (If I did, I'm scared of what kind of characters I'd turn Naruto and Sasuke into. Scary thought, ne?)

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Okay, so I started writing the last chapter, though I'm still working on the rest. Weird, I know, but it had to be done. I don't think I would've remembered had I waited until I was finished with all the other chapters, so I started it, and I was crying my eyes out all night. But I was satisfied for the first half. (That's all I've written so far…)

This one is a little short I suppose, probably about 100 words or so, but some interesting things happen - in this chapter and the following. I don't think there is as much angst in this one as some of the others. If there's not enough for you in this one, then wait till the next few chapters, where the angst is turned up a notch or two.

This story is getting exciting, though I haven't completely figured it all out - at least I know how it ends, and I'm working on the middle, so it should be okay, if only I could keep my mind tasked to this. Which, lately, hasn't been much of a problem, as it's mostly all I think about.

I've also been reading the Naruto manga (online) and it's getting really good! So far, I've met Itachi and Kisame, and now I'm really getting into it. Hehe, Sasuke running to try to save Naruto from his brother - it's kinda sweet, actually, worrying over lil' Naru-chan like that.

Hehe... okay, my ramblings end. :) Now here's Chapter Four: I Hurt Myself Too.

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"It doesn't matter if you have all the people in the world to talk to, you still have to find the strength to say in words, what you would normally say on your skin.

-- NICOLE

-

Wednesday morning brought a skull-splitting headache and a nauseous feeling floating around in my stomach. I felt sick, and I wanted nothing more than to lie in bed, unmoving, unthinking – I didn't feel well; it was going to be a bad day for sure.

I had spoken to Kakashi two days before – I'd told him everything. About my parents, about my attempts at suicide, even about the way I'd been feeling so often. He'd consoled me, and I was surprised at how much wisdom he could hold – after all, he did flaunt the fact that he was a pervert quite obviously.

But the words he'd said to me were something that I'd thought about many times, but had never really _heard_ – it was something I'd needed desperately. I would have never thought that someone like him could have said something so unbelievably smart and emotional.

In the shower that morning, I raked my fingernails across my back; by the sting of the water, I was sure I drew blood. It was a comfortable feeling, and I wanted more, but I knew if I did anything more than a scratch it would cause a commotion with my friends. And Iruka would ask questions; Kakashi would probably scold me.

After a quick breakfast, I ran out the door, Kakashi standing at the bottom of the stairs to see me off, to see if I was going to be okay. "I know you're dealing with a lot, Naruto," he'd said, hand on my shoulder and eyes aged considerably. "But if it ever gets to be too much, remember: I'm here."

The problem was talking though; I'd never been good at expressing my emotions. It was just something I'd never done with my mother and father; it was something they hadn't really taught me.

I was early to school, and on the way to English I ran into Iruka. His expression was pained when he looked at me, and I didn't understand why until we got into his classroom. He took me by the shoulders, shaking me gently, eyes beginning to tear. He stopped though, and held me closely, tightly.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Iruka whispered, his voice solemn and quiet, cracking. "Why didn't you tell me, Naruto?"

I looked at him, brows furrowed in confusion; I didn't understand what he was trying to say. What did he mean? I knew, though, as soon as he grabbed my wrist. Kakashi had obviously talked to him.

He was sad, worried, probably feeling betrayed that I hadn't confided in him my deepest, darkest secret. But Kakashi had been the only one there, he'd had the look that he knew things, and he did. Without me telling him half of the things I'd been through, he'd guessed all of it. That's what I told Iruka, since Kakashi had told him everything else.

"I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry," I said, letting my eyes fall to the floor at our feet. "Besides, you're always so busy; I didn't want to take any more time out of your schedule."

Iruka sighed, lifting my chin so my eyes would meet his. "Naruto," he began, quietly and kind, "It doesn't matter how busy or stressed I may seem. I'll always have time for you. No matter what. Okay?"

I nodded, this time the tears were clouding my eyes, and smiled. It was small, but grateful. And real. He didn't know how thankful I truly was, and I doubt I would ever be able to show it, or even return part of the deed. So I hugged him, hugged him as hard as I could, buried my head into his chest. "Thank you," I whispered. "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

It was a mantra, and I kept repeating it, over and over and over again. It wouldn't seem to stop. I was so thankful, but I wondered how long it would take for me to _really_ trust him fully. But I knew that he would be there for me whenever I needed him.

And for that, he would never know how thankful I was. I was sure of it.

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The day passed quickly and quietly, and I had no more run-ins with unruly emotions. Iruka said farewell, telling me he'd see me later that evening when he went to Kakashi's for dinner. Wednesday's were like a ritual for the three of us, me and Iruka joining Kakashi for dinner and a show. Sometimes we'd talk, but mostly we just sat around and watched old films until it was time to go home.

It was a nice time, a time for relaxing and having fun. I was allowed to be myself, I didn't have to lie or put on a mask. It was like all the family time I'd missed I was slowly regaining with my landlord and my teacher. It was refreshing, actually.

I didn't want to be late, so I rushed home, hopefully having enough time to get cleaned up. However, I wasn't expecting to run into an angry, brooding, black-heart. It was unexpected and surprising, but kind of wanted, I suppose. Now I had a reason to talk to him.

"Sasuke," I nodded. It was weird seeing him outside of school, with the sun on half-shine, the sky clouded with gray. Usually I only saw him in class, the fluorescent lights making his skin look too pale, like death almost. This light, however, made him look warm, human even. I could see why the girls liked him so much.

He didn't say anything, just scowled like I wasn't worth his time and turned away. Before he could get too far, I grabbed his arm, making sure my grip wasn't too tight. His eyes only narrowed further. I realized that our collision had brought his sleeves up a bit.

I brought him closer to me, partly so I could see his scars, partly so I could feel his warmth and presence. It was almost reassuring.

Slowly, I traced my finger over a bright red scar, the newest, I presumed. Sasuke yanked his arm away, ready to run, but I called him back, though I don't know why he stopped. I pulled up my own sleeve, showed him my own scars.

I think he was a little surprised. I wasn't normally unhappy, especially enough to do something like kill myself, hurt myself. Which I understood completely. Most of the people I'd told – which were few – made that same mistake.

"Why did you do it?" I asked, looking up into his eyes. It was the first time I'd looked at him straight on, and when I did, a chill ran down my spine. It wasn't a bad feeling though; it was warm and welcoming, albeit shocking.

"That's none of your business." His tone was clipped, cold; obviously he wasn't used to showing or using much emotion. Sometimes I wished I could be like that, to show what I was really feeling, because nothing was what I felt most of the time.

When he walked away I followed him, walking beside him. I was looking at him, eyes saddened, biting my lip, hands quivering. I was about to tell someone else about something I thought I'd never tell anyone.

"I'm a failure to my father," I said, voice silent and shaky. I sparked his attention, though he tried his hardest not to show it. His ears perked, his head tilted, a curious puppy in disguise. I had to restrain myself from petting him.

"I tried to end it, but he only became colder towards me. My mother couldn't stand to look at me. I thought that if I moved out, everything would get better." I paused, not completely sure what to say after that. He looked at me then, wondering why I had stopped. "It didn't," I whispered. "Not completely."

I watched the cracks in the sidewalk as we walked, barely aware that I had already passed my apartment.

We went in silence, even in the thunder and the light rain; we stood before a tall iron gate, and briefly I wondered why we had stopped. Sasuke seemed bored, staring with averted eyes, hands in his pockets. It was quiet – too quiet.

"Why did we stop?" I finally asked, looking up at the gate and wondering where the hell we were.

"This is my home," he deadpanned, staring me down.

"Oh." I nodded my head once, furrowing my brows. "Oh!" My eyes widened. It seemed to hit me then, that I had walked him home, gone past my own home; that we were standing around outside his gate, saying nothing. "Uh, see you tomorrow then."

I waved, glancing around to see which direction I was supposed to go, then turned around, but not before seeing the uncertain frown on Sasuke's face.

I could only wonder what was going on inside his mind as I walked home, ready for the dinner with Kakashi and Iruka.

-

To Be Continued…

-

Thank you for the reviews! All of you, thank you very much!

**akiryuu** _(Aw, thanks. And actually, thanks to my feeling bad, I started on the last chapter, though that's probably far away, so there's nothing to worry about. Thanks!)_

**dragonmaster1703** _(Yes, a good portion of this is from experience, but I also have a good imagination, so sometimes it's like I experience some of the things I haven't. My friend wanted to break it off with a boy because they were better off friends, and she told me everything. I wrote her a poem explaining exactly how she felt, though I've never dated or anything before. It's weird, but it works.)_

**pUppetEEr-NiNja**

**Kyo's only 1**

**Hyper Chef**_(Thank you:)_)

**xcloudx**

**AppleCoreCandyBox**


	5. 05: Boys Don't Cry

**STORY TITLE: **Painting the White to Gray

**CHAPTER TITLE: **Boys Don't Cry

**AUTHOR:** B.J. Sanders

**RATING:** T (rating may increase in further chapters)

**WARNING:** Suicidal tendencies, self-mutilation, pervert-Kakashi, angst-Naruto, Naruto POV. Also, since I didn't put it up earlier, it's AU in a high school setting.

**STORY SUMMARY: **Sometimes, pain is unbearable, and people need a way to escape. But different people cope in different ways.

**CHAPTER SUMMARY:** Naruto's mother comes to visit, but it's an unfortunate meeting.

**DISCLAIMER: **I own nothing that isn't mine. (If I did, I'm scared of what kind of characters I'd turn Naruto and Sasuke into. Scary thought, ne?)

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Actually, I got the title for this chapter from Plumb's "Boys Don't Cry". It's a good song, as are most of her songs that I've heard. "Cut" is another favorite, for obvious reasons.

I get a lot of inspiration for this story from depressing and uplifting songs, depending on the lyrics. And I also draw a lot of it out of experience and personal feeling. The second half of this chapter I wrote while extremely depressed. Of course, I had to stop a few times to stop myself from screaming – or going to find something extremely tall to jump from.

I don't really like living in the city, but I'm going to wait until I get a job to decide if I need to move back to where I used to be. It's very frustrating here, there's never any silence, which is bad because it tends to add to my stress level – which is _never_ a good thing. It's probably one reason among many that I haven't been able to stop hurting myself. (Earlier today, I had to put my knife out of sight so I wouldn't be tempted – of course, with my fingernails, it was kind of pointless…)

Anyway, on with the story!

**-**

The only antidote to mental suffering is physical pain.

-- KARL MARX

**-**

Friday brought even more unwanted stress. In the morning, I didn't fell so well, and the moment I woke up, I was positive something bad was going to happen. I could feel it in my very bones. I was almost scared to face the day.

But I left for school anyway, saying my ritualistic farewell to Kakashi as I went. The confrontation between Sasuke and me had been on my mind since it had happened. He hadn't told me why he'd done it, but I wasn't about to push at him; that would only worsen what little bit of a friendship we had.

I could hardly believe I had told him, and I almost regretted it. But I was sure no harm would come from it. Despite the fact that he acted all surly and mean, I'm certain he was nice and understanding deep down inside – granted, he probably wasn't warm and fuzzy like the stuffing of a teddy bear.

As I was stepping outside – it was a nice day, with birds singing, green leaves rustling in the wind, a nice sky line stretching out over the horizon – I saw I woman I hadn't thought I'd see for a long time. She was my mother, and she was crying, holding herself, mascara running down her cheeks; even her ruby-red lipstick was smudged.

I'd never seen her like this before, not since her sister had died, but they'd hated each other anyway, ever since my aunt had stolen Mother's main love interest. I think that maybe Dad had been sleeping with her too.

She was crying, and as soon as she saw me, she rushed over, sobbing and trying her hardest to form a sensible sentence; she tried to hug me, to hold me, but I wouldn't let her that close. She hadn't been there for me, I wasn't about to be there for her.

"Your father," she stuttered out, jaw quivering as she averted her eyes – just like she always did. She'd never been able to look at me, especially after my "accident", as they liked to call it.

She continued, trying to rub away the already smeared make-up. "Your father fell down the stairs," she sobbed, her voice raising considerably, her back shaking. She looked like she was about to collapse, but for some strange reason unknown to me, it all looked so fake. "He's in a coma," she finished, finally, for once, looking at me, if only to see my reaction.

But I didn't show any. She'd pushed him, though it may have been an "accident", I knew she'd pushed him – it was another of their little disputes that never turned to hitting, merely pushing and shoving, voices getting louder and louder till the neighbors began to wonder who was getting murdered, who was getting into trouble.

I stood still, a blank look on my face, staring at her as though I didn't care that she'd almost killed Dad – and I didn't, not really. This was her problem, not mine. I wasn't going to deal with it – I'd dealt with enough already.

Her rage was rising, her face becoming more and more red – she was like a kettle, ready to blow at any minute, fuming and loud.

"Why don't you care!" she screamed, throwing her little fists into my chest. It hurt, it would probably bruise, but I didn't care, not then, not ever. I frowned at her, showing only _part_ of the hate I felt for her and Father, and she backed off, shock and surprise written all across her thin face.

And she didn't have to hide it, didn't try. She was scared of me, that maybe I would be like Father, only take it a step farther and bloody her nose, black her eye, try to break her wrist – but I wasn't anything like them, and I promised myself I never would be.

"Why don't you _cry_?" She was desperate for any other reaction, but I wasn't going to let her have it – I wouldn't give her the sick satisfaction. "He's your _father_! And he's probably dying. Why don't you cry!"

I looked at her, this time showing nothing, not hate, not sadness, not love or anger or pity – _nothing._ But I did wonder why I wasn't crying – I wasn't taught to. Father had always said it, said that I wasn't allowed to cry; it wasn't proper, only girls cried. So that's what I told Mom, without emotion, the way Dad had always talked to me.

"Boys don't cry," I said, voice quiet, dangerous almost. "Isn't that what Dad always said?"

I refused to speak to her anymore, but I didn't have to. Kakashi came out of the apartments, curious as to the commotion, the screaming and the yelling and the crying. He nodded for me to go, so I left, not looking back at my mother – Kakashi knew who it was, he could handle her.

As I left, I was sure I heard police sirens coming nearer. I could only hope that they were after my mother, but a part of me was scared that they really were. I felt like crying, but I was going to school – just when I needed to be alone, too.

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I skipped most of school, choosing instead to sit alone in the boys' bathroom, huddled into myself. Several times people walked in, but most of them didn't notice me. I'm sure at least one of them had told the principal, or Iruka-sensei perhaps. It didn't matter, because I wanted to be alone – I didn't want to talk to anybody, though I'd told Iruka that I would if I ever needed to.

But I just didn't feel like it – I was tired, I was crying, and I wanted to… I don't know. I needed to something, anything, I just didn't know _what_ exactly.

My family had never treated me nicely, especially my mother, though she liked to think she did. She couldn't even look me in the eye when I'd needed her most – what kind of mother did that? To just abandon her child like that – it's not something a good mother would do.

To Dad I was always a mistake – I couldn't do anything right, I wasn't supposed to be a boy, I was lazy, an idiot, a stupid child who shouldn't even have been born. The fact that I didn't kill myself was just another sign that I was destined to fail – was I really meant to never succeed?

It's something I found myself asking often. As far as they were concerned – as far as _I _was concerned – I had never succeeded. Not once, not even by accident. And maybe they were right. Maybe I shouldn't be allowed to live.

It would make everybody feel better – no one would have to put up with me anymore. They'd all be free of my burden – even Kakashi and Iruka, who seemed to genuinely like me. I was sure they'd be the only ones to miss me – though Kiba, Haku, and Lee might, but it wasn't likely.

In fact, I wouldn't have been surprised if nobody missed me – Mother and Father surely wouldn't. But I wanted them to – they were supposed to miss me if I was gone, if I was dead, they were supposed to cry when I tried to kill myself, they were supposed to teach me things, not shoot down my every hope like it didn't matter.

But that's what they'd done – I was never good enough, and I never would be. It was as easy as that, though I wished it wasn't. I wished there was something wrong with them, so I wouldn't have to be alone, so that they had a reason to hate their own son.

But I knew I'd never get that wish – it wasn't possible; they hated me of their own free will. And I think I'd known it all along, though it hadn't really been something I'd like to have acknowledged.

When I had, however, it had seemed too much to take in all at once. I wasn't able to handle it, so I took a knife to my wrist, I'd fallen down, and realized all over again that they didn't love me, but I didn't feel it like I had the first several thousand times.

The physical pain, I'd realized, was taking away the mental pain I was feeling. The same type of emotions I was feeling in the boys' bathroom. My eyes unconsciously roamed the expanse of the room, looking for something – _anything_ – sharp, but I found none.

It didn't bother me that while I was doing what I was planning it was a possibility that someone might walk in. I just couldn't take it anymore – I wanted this all to end as quickly as possible. I didn't want to let it rot inside me like it had been – that would do no good.

There was nothing sharp, just hard, hard surfaces and water. I didn't want to drown, or try it – it would hurt too much, having my lungs fill up with water while I was still awake, feeling each and every breath of air return only with the water from the faucet. It wasn't a very delightful thought at all.

But hard surfaces worked well, too – it was a different kind of pain, the kind I needed, if only for a little while. Without thinking, my fist slammed into the stall door, rattling the lock. My fourth hit broke it, crashing the door open, shaking on its hinges.

My next target was the counter, fist down slamming into it as hard as I could. Blood was running down my hand, my knuckles already bruising, my wrist and forearm already shocked with lances of pain. It felt good – it felt _really_ good.

I was so concentrated on the pain, in fact, that I completely ignored the entrance of the bathroom, the door slowly opening while I was fighting with any hard surface I could find.

Someone was watching me, and I hadn't even realized it.

-

To Be Continued…

-

Thank you for the reviews! Thank you so very much! You're all so very nice!

**pUppetEEr-NiNja**

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**Kyo's only 1**

**akiryuu **_(Don't worry, more Sasuke is coming…)_

**XxHunter The One and OnlyxX**

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**AppleCoreCandyBox**


	6. 06: I Know What It's Like To Hurt

**STORY TITLE: **Painting the White to Gray

**CHAPTER TITLE: **I Know What It's Like To Hurt

**AUTHOR:** B.J. Sanders

**RATING:** T (rating may increase in further chapters)

**WARNING:** Suicidal tendencies, self-mutilation, pervert-Kakashi, angst-Naruto, Naruto POV. Also, since I didn't put it up earlier, it's AU in a high school setting.

**STORY SUMMARY: **Sometimes, pain is unbearable, and people need a way to escape. But different people cope in different ways.

**CHAPTER SUMMARY:** A verbal dispute between Naruto and Sasuke turns into something more, and begin to understand a little more.

**DISCLAIMER: **I own nothing that isn't mine. (If I did, I'm scared of what kind of characters I'd turn Naruto and Sasuke into. Scary thought, ne?)

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Well, I finally got a job. It's at Dollar General, a few miles down the road. It's not the same one that my roommate works at, but I suppose that's good – we won't have to be around each other almost 24/7, which is VERY good, as we tire of each other's presence often.

_Since_ I have a job, it means I don't have as much time to update this story as I did when I was unemployed, but luckily – or unluckily, as it may be – it's only part time. I think.

Also, unfortunately, I haven't quite planned out the next few chapters. Though I think that Naruto and Sasuke's relationship may grow to the next step by chapter…. 10 or so? Maybe. I'm still not completely sure. It may or may not.

Thank you to those who are reviewing and reading. It really brightens my day.

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I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.

-- _"GIRL, INTERRUPTED", SUSANNA KAYSEN_

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I felt nauseous suddenly, very sick – an ill feeling floating around in my stomach and lurching up into my throat, threatening to explode. Someone was holding my wrist – quite tightly, gripping with digging fingernails – holding my hand away from the counter. It was the first clear view I'd had of my knuckles, blood flowing down my arm, over my capturer's fingers to the crook of my elbow, where it slowly dribbled to the floor.

I looked up at Sasuke, tears clearly visible in the corner of my eyes – he had an angry look, disgusted almost, as he looked me over. I was in all sorts of disarray, drying blood smudging my face, clothes wrinkled and disorganized, broken skin swelling with possible infection; I was certainly a sight to see.

I hadn't known how long he'd been watching me, but I felt suddenly very conscious of my surroundings – of the broken door with blood painting a picture of my knuckles several times over; of the bloody, possibly cracking, counter with the dripping faucet and leaky pipes; of Sasuke observing my every move while still holding me still as I caught my breath – had I really used that much energy?

For some reason I was extremely glad it had been Sasuke to discover my loss of cool and not some punk who would probably get the teachers to call the psych ward. I hadn't expected to do this – I'd just needed to be alone, and instead I'd probably broken a few knuckles. Could this day get any better?

As it turned out, it could indeed.

Sasuke threw my arm away from him with a snarl, wrinkling his nose – it was obviously disgust. He rolled his eyes, moving to the sink and running the water. He was a damn bastard.

When I approached him, he scoffed, turning to lean against the counter to stare at me with dull, bored eyes, a single eyebrow raised in question. "You're a fool," he said, deciding to ignore me once again.

I didn't understand – didn't he do similar things when he was in pain? Didn't he hurt himself when things got to be too much to handle? Or were there some rules I was unaware of that stated I couldn't punch the wall and counter but Sasuke could cut himself? Was I doing something wrong – yet again?

"What kind of pain could _you_ have?"

I could hear the disdain in his voice – he still didn't understand that my family hated me – they always had. He thought it was all just a stupid joke, that I was some prankster sent to fool him – I was too happy in class, always laughing, smiling; doing happy, cheery things. I wasn't supposed to damage things with my fists when my heart hurt.

"You didn't hear anything I said before, did you?" I asked quietly, my eyes saddened by his lack of feeling. Was he really considered a friend when he didn't even care?

It didn't seem to matter anymore; his back was turned, rolling his eyes in the mirror at me – I _was_ a fool, to think that he'd actually believe me, trust me, that maybe I could actually help him.

"It was all real," I said, voice still quiet, cold, dangerous; his eyes met mine. "I left a few things out, but it was all the truth. You don't trust me, and I understand that – but do you really have to laugh at my pain? It's as real as yours is, as it ever will be."

He swiftly turned, pinning me against the wall, anger and ire burning deeply within his eyes. His teeth were clenched hard, jaw ticking and nose flared – ferocity at its best. His nails were digging into my flesh again, making me cringe – I didn't understand why he had to be so cruel all the time.

A growl resonated from his throat, his eyes narrowing considerably. "You know nothing. _Nothing._"

I furrowed my eyebrows, frowning, his anger spreading over to me. Somehow, one of my arms was set free and – despite the pain in my knuckles as I made a fist – I powered my strength into his face, sending him stumbling. But he didn't stay down for long, deciding that fighting me would be better than arguing.

And it was. Until some stupid punk decided to call Iruka to break it up. Then trouble ensued for both of us.

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Iruka understood why we fought, but he still had to punish us – both of us, even though I'd physically started the fight. Sasuke and I landed ourselves in detention – but Iruka didn't say it was for the fight – it was for the extensive damage we'd done to the bathroom. Evidently, it wasn't as sturdy as I'd thought.

We couldn't be in the same class for detention, though, because the teachers were afraid we'd start up again; I stayed with Iruka, mostly so we could talk, I think. He was kind of put out when I'd decided not to go to him for help, but I'd told him sometimes I'd needed someone to talk to, other times I'd needed to be by myself – and this happened to be one of those times.

As we talked, he wrapped my hands in gauze, cleaning my wounds and applying a few band-aids to the various scrapes on my face – despite the fact that Sasuke looked like a pretty boy, he could certainly pack a punch. Several, actually.

As I got ready to leave for home, Iruka warned me not to start anymore fights, that it was dangerous. I shouldn't hurt myself either, because there are people who worry about me, even when they don't need to. They were supposed to be consoling words, but they only made me feel guiltier.

As I turned the corner of the school grounds, I collided with a body – why did I always run into him at this particular side of school, always later when barely anyone was around? Was I cursed, or just incredibly lucky?

Once again, Sasuke gave me that glare of his, the one that threatened death if I ever touched him again, or went anywhere near his personal space. However, it was a useless threat, softened by the black eye and the split lip I'd left him earlier, a harsh purple bruise brushing across his cheek.

He looked worse than I did.

I flinched when he didn't avert his stare away from me – his gaze was intent, focused solely on me; it made me nervous, but I was unsure as to whether it was good or bad. I bit my lip, not completely knowing what to say – if I should say anything at all.

I took a deep breath – his eyes still watching me – did he even blink? My mouth opened, a blush surely spreading on my face. "Sorry," I finally said, laughing lightly and scratching the back of my head. Why was I so embarrassed? "About what happened in the bathroom, I mean."

A simple eyebrow raised in question, his eyes never wavering from mine. Was he trying to make me feel inferior? Uncomfortable? "What about just now?" he asked, motioning to our surroundings.

I shrugged. "What about it?"

His gaze hardened. "You're not sorry for running into me?"

I growled, glaring. Just what was he trying to say? Stupid, idiotic bastard didn't know what the hell was good for him; should've just kept his mouth closed. Mine too, actually. "Well, it didn't paint your face black and blue, did it?"

This time he didn't say anything, but he didn't move his stare – it was the one that all the girls went squeal-happy over, though I don't understand why. Sure, it was intense, but it also felt like the guy was mentally stripping me… Well, that answers _that_ question, as stupid as it was.

"Will you quit looking at me like that?" I politely requested; should have known it would do nothing. I sighed, heavy and loud, drooping my shoulders. "Look, earlier this morning… I had to deal with some things I'd rather not have had to deal with. So I'm sorry, okay?"

He didn't move, just cocked his head to side lightly in curiosity. He wanted to know what had happened to make me act like the way I had. Why didn't he just ask out loud like everybody else did? Did I really want to explain to him, to tell him of my mother?

Before I had even decided, my mouth was already speaking.

"My Mother came by this morning to tell me that my father was in a coma; she wanted to know why I wasn't crying… They have these disputes all the time, but it's never something serious like broken bones or bruises. One day, I knew she'd kill him – or he'd kill her. Either way, it's happened."

Sasuke was genuinely interested now, his eyes full of curiosity and wonderment. He wanted to know _how_ it had happened.

"She pushed him down the stairs; now she's probably going to be charged with murder," I finished lamely, my tone bored and lacking my usual enthusiasm. His eyebrows quirked again.

"You don't seem to care that much about what's going to happen to them." His voice was decisive – cold, hard, demanding. It was what I was feeling, and he knew that.

I shrugged – it didn't matter anyway. "Well, they weren't exactly there for me while I was growing up, especially when I needed them most." I was quiet, though I was sure that Sasuke heard me; he seemed to comprehend my words, the fact that a normally happy boy like me had horrible parents who destroyed their child's life then destroyed their own.

"Yeah," he nodded, finally letting his eyes fall away, looking to the west where the sun was going to set in a few hours time. "I can understand that."

As we started walking, I noticed that he had this small smile on his face, light seeming to return to him – we shared something, and for that, he was grateful not to be alone, perhaps for the first time in his life. And he was smiling.

-

To Be Continued…

-

Thank you so much to everyone who has review thus far! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

**pUppetEEr-NiNja**

**Hidden Pagan**

**akiryuu**

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**Kyo's only 1**

**xcloudx**

**XxHunter The One and Onlyxx**

**biggestboss **_(So do I, and I'm trying to get over it, if only for my friends. It's harder than I thought._)

**AppleCoreCandyBox**


	7. 07: There's Something Wrong with Everyon

**STORY TITLE: **Painting the White to Gray

**CHAPTER TITLE: **There's Something Wrong With Everyone

**AUTHOR:** B.J. Sanders

**RATING:** T (rating may increase in further chapters)

**WARNING:** Suicidal tendencies, self-mutilation, pervert-Kakashi, angst-Naruto, Naruto POV. Also, since I didn't put it up earlier, it's AU in a high school setting.

**STORY SUMMARY: **Sometimes, pain is unbearable, and people need a way to escape. But different people cope in different ways.

**CHAPTER SUMMARY:** A surprise visit at work, followed by a surprise run-in at the hospital.

**DISCLAIMER: **I own nothing that isn't mine. (If I did, I'm scared of what kind of characters I'd turn Naruto and Sasuke into. Scary thought, ne?)

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Okay, so I wasn't supposed to work yesterday, but I did. And today I was supposed to clock out at 5 (which I did, just ten minutes after), but I wasn't expecting to stay till closing just talking to Cory – mostly. We had some pretty interesting conversations. Now, my feet are almost literally screaming at me.

Of course, I didn't get home till around 10, even though we closed at 9:15 or so – lucky me, I walked. It was a little scary, but I made it home safely. Yay! And tomorrow I have to call my mom because it's her birthday – she expects me to remember EVERY single holiday, even though I forgot about my OWN sixteenth birthday.

I wasn't planning on posting this until I had written out chapter 8, but I'm tired and it's late, and I have the first two paragraphs writing down somewhere in my sketchpad, so it's okay I suppose. I'll slave over the next few chapters tomorrow, unless I decide to draw and color a bit more, as I have been these past few nights.

Well, we'll just have to see. Until then, here's Chapter Seven. (Personally, I'm not overly pleased with it. But that's my opinion.)

Thank you for reviewing!

-

And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened.

-- _"LIFE AFTER GOD",_ DOUGLAS COUPLAND

-

It was completely by accident that I had come to have a job at the bookstore on the corner, within walking distance from school and the apartment I was living in. In fact, the old couple who owned it hadn't even been looking for someone to hire, however, they changed their minds when they saw I had spent half the day arranging the bookshelves and putting books where they were supposed to go.

It was just out of pure habit – I cleaned Iruka's shelves at school when I had detention, I organized Kakashi's books whenever I went over; I did the same with my own books at home.

They'd given me a job and, since I'd never had a job before, let me have the late shift, when nary a soul came in. Usually, by the time I got there, they would be ready to leave for the night, handing me the keys and telling me to close down and lock up when I left. I always did as they asked, without question.

Sometimes people I knew would come in, though it was a rarity. Not many people I knew liked to read, and just as many even knew there was a bookstore anywhere in the vicinity of the town. But it did happen on occasion.

As I sat behind the counter browsing through one of the books in the most recent shipment, the bell above the door dinged, signaling I wasn't alone anymore. I glanced up, nearly jumping out of my skin when I noticed a sickly looking girl being helped – and _held_ – by none other than Neji Hyuuga, who had been one of my so-called friends the year before.

Hinata, the girl, was Neji's cousin. She'd had some major surgery when she was younger and had never been quite right since; Neji had been ordered by her father to keep her safe, to watch over her.

I'd never seen him so worried over someone, especially a relative.

"_Daijobu, Neji-nii_," she said lightly. Her voice was as slight as her body, small and shy and sweet, a little smile playing across her lips as she watched Neji frown in concern at the reddening in her cheeks when the back of his hand had brushed against hers.

It was sweet watching them; I'd never really seen Neji flustered, but the look he and Hinata shared seemed to make both of them blush.

They spoke a few more sentences in Japanese before turning to look at me, seeming surprised that I was watching their awkward encounter and Neji hadn't felt my eyes. The Hyuuga spoke Japanese more fluently than most people, as their line could be traced back for generations.

I grinned at them, my smile wide and mischievous; they seemed to know what was going on in my mind: they loved each other, a bit more than cousins should. It had been purely accidental when I had discovered them, Neji leaning over Hinata's bed to give her a lingering goodnight kiss before he went back down stairs to entertain his guests.

It had been quite the surprise, but after he threatened me to keep my mouth closed about it, I figured it wasn't really as bad as everyone thought it was – it was love, after all.

Of course, the look Neji was giving me kind of made my smile slip, even more so when he advanced. He always did like to make me nervous, and it almost always worked, too. Hinata stayed by his side, smiling slightly at the overprotective aura Neji was letting off, though he didn't have to worry – Hinata was his, she probably always would be.

His smirk grew, twisting his face strangely – there was going to be some pain for me, it was obvious. And the moment his eyes took in my bruises and scrapes I knew what he was going to talk about.

"So, what happened to your face?" he asked, his voice lilting – he definitely knew what buttons to push.

And I only had to say one word for him to understand – he'd obviously heard about the fight earlier that day, but hadn't known who had started it.

"_Sasuke_." It was that easy.

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I had been thinking about going to the hospital – if only to pay what little respect I held – but I couldn't be sure if it was the right choice or not. Since he _was_ my father, I figured I might as well – it couldn't hurt – he was in a coma. He couldn't mock me; I had no reason to fear what kind of hurtful words he would say.

I'd never really liked hospitals, but I didn't know why. Maybe because people always died there; or because half the sick would never get better. My father probably wouldn't, but for some dark reason I couldn't care less.

It was strangely busy despite the late hour, and – strangely – I didn't mind as much as I probably should have. People passed by me, bumped and shoved and pushed. The hospital was bustling with activity, the ER nurses looking harried and tired.

The lady at the front desk was painting her nails over with white-out, humming an out-of-tune song as she held her hand out in front of her, admiring her work. I cleared my throat to gain her attention, enough for her to spare me a glance and ask how she could help me.

When I told her I wanted to see my father and stated his name, she gave me a long look filled with pity. It turned my stomach and made me feel sick, like maybe I should be admitted to a sick bed for a while.

After she told me the information I needed, I left her there, her sick, sad, pitiful smile plastered to my back, even after I had turned the corner and entered the elevator. My mother was in jail and my father was in a coma, probably never to awaken, and I was a poor lonely child left to cope alone without parents to guide me through my life – how would I do it? How could I? That nurse-lady just didn't understand – probably never would.

The floor my father was on wasn't quite so busy, a few people here and there, nurses in every hallway or so, checking up on patients and writing in their charts. There was someone familiar in one room I peeked into, a head full of red hair, pale skin, green eyes circled in black. It took me a moment to wonder why Gaara was at the hospital, but then I saw his older brother on the hospital bed, hooked up to the heart monitor and an IV needle stuck in the back of his hand; no doubt Temari was worried out of her mind.

Noticing my presence, he turned to look at me, nodding – his way of saying "Hello, you may enter," I suppose. So I did, sitting in the chair next to him, asking what had happened.

"Scorpion," he replied, quietly and solemn as always. Evidently, a scorpion had stung Kankurou and it had been fairly poisonous. Luckily, the hospital had the antidote, and Kankurou was just getting his strength up now that he had been treated. By the next day he should've been awake and ready to leave, to go find more scorpions to play with – it was his fifth admittance for scorpion poisoning, though it was slightly different as he had minor head injuries courtesy of Temari's anger.

Gaara was just watching over him until Temari arrived, which wouldn't be for a few more hours. He was insomniac, so he probably didn't mind all that much, though I was sure he'd rather be doing something else, whatever it may have been.

I left him there to watch over his brother, only to turn down the hall to run into Lee, looking a bit flustered and out of breath. My brow quirked – what was Lee doing at the hospital at this hour? Was he ill as well?

"Lee," I asked, genuinely surprised. "What are you doing here?" That only made him more flustered, and he began stuttering, trying to form a coherent sentence.

"I," he began, not sure what he was trying to say at all, "I… That is to say… I'm here for a check-up?" He wasn't as confident as he usually was, and I was beginning to get suspicious, which he knew, and it made him even more uncomfortable. He knew it was too late to get a check-up – at least it was for his normal doctor. His shoulders slumped; he had been found out.

"I'm here with someone, okay?"

I nodded, smiling. Why couldn't he just say that from the beginning? I asked who it was he was with – that only caused more complications. Why did everything have to be difficult? I took a deep breath, ready to tell him it didn't really matter anyway when a cold, solid voice spoke.

"Lee. Temari's on her way."

Gaara turned away, walking back into the room his brother was staying in, completely ignoring my shocked expression. Gaara and Lee? Who would have thought? Certainly not I – two separate friends from two totally different sides of the line were hanging out with each other – maybe more, if Lee's disposition was anything to go by.

"You and Gaara, huh?" I asked, nodding my head in a way that was probably suggesting more than friendship. He probably wanted to know how I knew Gaara, as I didn't exactly hang around that specific group of people – as far as he knew, anyway.

Lee was holding something in his hand, a bottle of pills prescribed to Gaara – medication for his schizophrenia, I presumed. He wasn't very nice without it – or so I'd heard. Once, before it really became apparent that he was schizophrenic, he'd lost control of his mind and had killed a few people. He was young too, and he'd never really been the same since – at least that's what Temari and Kankurou had told me.

I excused myself, letting Lee get back to Gaara before Temari came, and continued on my way until I came to my father's room. He was alone, no roommate, no doctor, just a lonely heart monitor, a tube down his throat to make him breathe.

I sat in the chair at the side of the bed, wondering what I was doing there. To pay respects, I knew – but surely I had another reason, right? This was the man who had made my life hell, had continuously told me I was a failure, that had never shown an ounce of compassion towards me – was I really here for that? Certainly there was more – I just couldn't think anything else.

Dad was a sad sight, and I was beginning to understand why the nurse had given me such a pitiful look. He was frail and unconscious, bruises blotting across his temple, a white gauze bandage wrapped around his head, hiding the stitches and the scar from when the doctors had to do neurosurgery.

Dad could die – could have already, really – and I didn't care. Not at all, not a bit.

-

To Be Continued…

-

Thank you SO very much for your reviews! Thank you!

**akiryuu **_(Yes, there will be more of his past, but that's later on in the story, though a little may be revealed in the next chapter or two.)_

**FuzzySeduction **_(Oh yes, I do know. Quite well, in fact.)_

**star**

**pUppetEEr-NiNja**

**xcloudx**

**XxHunter The One and OnlyxX**

**AppleCoreCandyBox**


	8. 08: Through Thick and Thin

**STORY TITLE: **Painting the White to Gray

**CHAPTER TITLE: **Through Thick and Thin

**AUTHOR:** B.J. Sanders

**RATING:** T (rating may increase in further chapters)

**WARNING:** Suicidal tendencies, self-mutilation, pervert-Kakashi, angst-Naruto, Naruto POV. Also, since I didn't put it up earlier, it's AU in a high school setting.

**STORY SUMMARY: **Sometimes, pain is unbearable, and people need a way to escape. But different people cope in different ways.

**CHAPTER SUMMARY:** Sasuke's not at school on Monday, and Naruto can't help but wonder why. With a surprise visit at work, will Naruto be able to figure it out?

**DISCLAIMER: **I own nothing that isn't mine. (If I did, I'm scared of what kind of characters I'd turn Naruto and Sasuke into. Scary thought, ne?)

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Is Yahoo! down or something? Because I can't seem to check my mail, which really sucks. And I just recently got through to Fanfiction, so I at least got to read all the reviews (THANK YOU SO MUCH!). I can hardly believe there are as many as there are – ah, I'm so happy!

A little bit of Hyuuga-cest and GaaLee are in this chapter, but only at the beginning. And I'm still trying to decide if maybe I should add a little bit of Uchiha-cest, but I'm still not sure. Maybe. Maybe not. I'll figure it out sooner or later. Maybe. (Ah, so indecisive!)

There's a bit of Sasuke-past in this, and you find out a little bit about his "current day" livings. (Or something like that…)

Well, READ, REVIEW, and ENJOY! (Don't worry, I promise I've taken my meds today… maybe.)

Actually, I haven't taken my meds for the past few days, hehe... And I didn't re-read this chapter to make sure I had most of the mistakes out, so if you find any, I'm sorry. Sorry!

-

Killing yourself is a major commitment, it takes a kind of courage. Most people just lead lives of cowardly desperation. It's kinda half suicide where you just dull yourself with substances.

-- ROBERT CRUMB

-

It was a strange sight indeed on Monday to see all of them together, Lee, Neji, Hinata, and Gaara sitting in a little group and chatting amongst themselves as though they were all old friends – which I knew wasn't the truth. Lee and Gaara had hated each other almost as much as Neji had hated Hinata

It was a strange thought: to think that anyone who could love each other so amazingly as Neji and Hinata or Gaara and Lee could have hated each other with a fiery passion just as strong.

I was surprised to learn that they were with whom they were; I hadn't realized the love they'd shared – it truly amazed me. I wanted to be able to feel that emotion, to have a love so deep people had to look twice to see a portion of it. Would I have someone like that? I couldn't help but hope, to wonder.

The group they were in, the four of them, didn't seem to mind the strange looks that were passed their way, the way people looked at how close Neji was to Hinata, or how lovey-dovey Gaara and Lee were never bothered them. Was this what love was? When two people are together for their own reasons and don't care what other's think of them?

If that was love, I wondered, would I ever have a chance to feel it? Or would I be stuck in a hazy dream world where nothing ever really seem to exist forever? I didn't want that, to be living a dream that wouldn't come true – I wanted life: real, painful, blissful, emotional life.

I was just afraid I'd never learn how to live.

They each nodded their greeting as they saw me, noticing how well the bruises that had been visible from the fight with Sasuke were almost gone, mostly healed save for the slight coloring of what had been a deep, dark purple a few days previous. I smiled – I had always been a fast healer.

Hinata had more color in her cheeks, though I wasn't quite sure if that was from her health getting better or the fact that Neji nuzzling her neck in front of me and most of the student population; he didn't seem to mind.

Gaara and Lee told me that Kankurou was doing well, and he'd be back up on his feet playing with his dolls and more scorpions in no time, though he did seem to have a concussion, compliments of his stupidity and Temari's fury. She always got angry at him for stupid reasons – the doctors knew him personally.

I glanced around, looking for something – perhaps someone – but couldn't seem to find them. I watched the people pass by me, by Neji, Hinata, Lee, Gaara, and I just couldn't seem to find the names to go with their faces, despite the fact that I had talked to most of them; I'd held polite conversations with them and acted as though they were a distant friend, an acquaintance, but I could not remember any of their names.

I was watched while I watched, by the four around me, but I didn't pay any attention. They called my name several times, but I didn't seem to hear. I was looking for someone I could find, worrying my lip and anxiously shuffling my feet like a little lost school girl. Finally something Lee said made it to my mind, and I turned to look at him with wide eyes – it wasn't happing again, was it?

"He's not here Naruto. Sasuke's not coming."

That bastard had better be alive, I promised, or next time I would kill him personally.

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The old couple left sometime after I arrived at the story, once again leaving me to close down before I left for home. I still had a few hours until that time, though, so I started putting away the newest shipment of the books out onto the shelves, stocking them into neat little stacks – well, as neat and organized as they could get in a small, overstocked bookstore with barely any room left.

Of course, the top shelves were still mostly open, so I took advantage of that, grabbing the ladder from the storage closet and pulling it over to one of the taller shelves. Stocking the books was the easy part – except when there are unexpected surprise visits from strangers who look like familiar people.

He came in late – I hadn't even been aware that it had been that late – and stood behind me, waiting for me to acknowledge his presence. He got tired of waiting after a few moments and asked in a low, cold voice where a certain book was. It was bad enough I wasn't expecting anyone to ask a question, but it was even worse when I had turned around only to find a more mature Sasuke looking at me.

In fact, I almost called him Sasuke – but he wasn't. Probably related, if anything; I noted the small differences – the longer hair, the deeper-set eyes that shone red in light, the few inches of height. There were slight differences, but the biggest probably had something to do with the fact that he wasn't insulting or hitting me.

I didn't recognize him as someone different from Sasuke for a moment, but by then I had lost my balance and had fallen of the not-quite-so-bottom-rung of the ladder, a few books landing on my head.

Of course, Itachi – as I later learned his name to be – was happy, as one of the books that had fallen after me happened to be what he was looking for. He bent gracefully, smoothly plucking from my lap and standing again, a small, delighted grin on his face, not even bothering to help me to my feet – smug bastard, probably exactly like Sasuke.

As I typed the barcode into the computer system – for old people they certainly were high-tech – he began speaking, again in the quiet, cold voice that made my spine tingle with icy shivers, not the way Sasuke's voice could.

"You looked shocked to see me. Did I startle you?" He didn't wait for me to answer, instead asking the next question – the question about who had been on my mind most of the day. "Or is it that you know Sasuke?"

"Yeah," I said, absentmindedly, pressing one of the numbers while trying to focus on the next number, trying not to get my hopes up that maybe he knew where Sasuke was, what was going on with him. "Do you know why he wasn't at school?"

He arched an eyebrow at me, probably wondering why I would want to know – as far as he knew, as _anybody_ knew, Sasuke didn't have any friends – why would I be asking such a question. He answered, though, with just the slightest hesitation. "He's… ah, not feeling too well. Hasn't been for the past few days, actually."

He had taken in the light marks of my face when he had come in, so he probably already knew what had happened between Sasuke and me last week, even if Sasuke hadn't told him. Itachi knew I was worried over Sasuke, and I wasn't expecting him to ask what he did, but I was happy that he did.

"Do you want to come over to see Sasuke?"

I nodded eagerly, getting the keys out of my pocket and grabbing my bag as we headed towards the door. It was closing time anyways.

-

Oh, thank you SOOOO much for all the wonderful reviews! Thank you!

-

**Kyo's only 1 **_(Sorry I didn't get you last chapter – my email and all was kind of screwy.)_

**Kiagou-chan**_ (Same goes for you too – sorry about that!)_

**star**

**GinaTheHun**

**Canadian Furiidamu Fighter 117**

**XxHunter The One and OnlyxX**

**AppleCoreCandyBox**

**kisses1991 **_(Sorry about the OOC-ness – but sometimes it's a must for the story to work out. I try to make them all as believable as I possible can, but to be honest, when I first started this story, it wasn't really supposed to be a fanfic, but original instead.)_

**Nissie**_ (Hehe… As for how Kiba knew about the pills – he could've either seen what Naruto hadn't yet flushed, or the bottles behind the mirror all askew and what-not. Bipolar… basically Manic Depressive, where one minute he can be really hyper and all fun-loving like the Kiba we all know and love! and the next he can be all depressed and angst ridden over seemingly nothing at all. Basically that's what it is, though it's a bit more complicated – I don't really know how to explain it too well… Of course you make sense. Yes, there is Sasuke galore! And soon it shall be moving onto NaruSasuNaru galore!)_

**RandomlyYours **_(My parents feel like strangers a lot too, even though I've lived with Mom all my life. But I feel like I can't trust her because every time I tell her something, she tells it to my Step-Dad, who I didn't want told. And they act more like teenagers than I do, and I was never good enough for them – I once drew a "Get Well Soon" picture for Step-Dad when he was going in for open heart surgery it was a cute-type girl in a bikini and he said that it'd be better if this and that was done, if this was bigger, if that were smaller, blah, blah, blah… My mom just looks and shakes her head. "Ah-ha, it's good." I don't think they knew me at all. Of course, maybe they were just typical parents. Maybe, right?)_

**xcloudx**

**akiryuu **(_A little bit of Sasuke's history in this one, and there's more to come! Sometime…)_

**kusuri **_(Haha, don't worry, I miss things all the time. And Sasuke will be a little bit of both. First, though, I think he's going to be Uke, with Naruto as Seme. In some of the stories after they fully develop their relationship to the sexual level, Naruto will probably be Uke a few times.)_

**Kyo's only 1**_(You're on here twice, but I forgot to get you last chapter, thanks to the system-thing being screwy. Hehe.)_


	9. 09: Hold My Breath and Count to Ten

**STORY TITLE: **Painting the White to Gray

**CHAPTER TITLE: **Hold My Breath and Count to Ten

**AUTHOR:** B.J. Sanders

**RATING:** T (rating may increase in further chapters)

**WARNING:** Suicidal tendencies, self-mutilation, pervert-Kakashi, angst-Naruto, Naruto POV. Also, since I didn't put it up earlier, it's AU in a high school setting.

**STORY SUMMARY: **Sometimes, pain is unbearable, and people need a way to escape. But different people cope in different ways.

**CHAPTER SUMMARY:** Naruto sees Sasuke in a state never seen before, but things get a little tense between them. How is it that they infuriate each other so much?

**DISCLAIMER: **I own nothing that isn't mine. (If I did, I'm scared of what kind of characters I'd turn Naruto and Sasuke into. Scary thought, ne?)

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Okay, so this chapter I think might be a little longer than the ones before – but that's good right, as this one is a little later that the others. As for the next chapter, I have no idea when that's going to be updated.

In fact, the next chapter might be an interlude, depending on how hard I work on it and whatnot. If I do post an interlude it's probably going to be Kakashi and Iruka in their younger days – how they met, developed their relationship, how they turned out like they did with understanding Naruto and all that.

But that's just a maybe… Maybe.

I have a new dog! She's a sweetheart, but she has a bit of a cold. All the other dogs are really mean to her, so all the humans here are playing Alpha – it's quite interesting to see a Chihuahua running away and trying to growl at the foot chasing him from behind simultaneously.

The new puppy's name is Raven, and she's rottweiler – she has a strange fascination with my room, and she tries to follow me every time I go in there. It interesting. Every time I close the door on her, though, she gives me this pitiful look and just want to hug her and squish her!

Eh, sorry for not updating for so long – I've been lazy and procrastinating, and blaming everything on my job. Go figure… My feet won't stop hurting… of course, it'd probably help if I didn't keep pacing between the registers…

Yesterday and the day before I was majorly depressed, but I didn't know why, so when I was at work, I took 10mg of Lexapro – everytime I yawned, I felt nauseous and dizzy, but I still felt depressed. Today at work, I swear my serotonin levels were sky high – at least. I wouldn't stop smiling! The radio was on and I was singing aloud, talking to myself, pacing between the registers, waving at strangers and going completely nuts! …I think some of the customers were a little freaked out.

I finally got my first paycheck too! So cool! Now I have a checking account, and I have to file (or whatever) for Direct Deposit, but I have no idea what the worksheet says… I feel so stupid…

Ah! Today, at work while I was still in my crazy state I discovered I can count to …three? in at least four different languages! How cool is that!

Okay… I stop boring you with stupid details of my far from exciting life and let you get on with this story.

(Do you know how hard it is to get over an "addiction" – I can't seem to get over mine – any of them. I keep trying to hurt myself in one way or another – make myself sick, don't eat enough, punch something hard, cut myself – I actually thought about buying a bottle of aspirin or something and taking the whole bottle – among other things… I seriously need a doctor or something…)

Right… shutting up.

-

He had been crying quietly all evening. It did not show, not a vestige of it, on his face. It was all hidden somewhere and it wouldn't stop.

--_"THE STORIES OF RAY BRADBURY", _RAY BRADBURY

-

The inside of Sasuke's home wasn't what I had really imagined. It wasn't flourishing with butlers and maids as I had expected from the outside view – it was more of a gothic-type setting, with the only servants being a strange old couple who smiled much too often for my liking. It was dark in the main room, the large, fancy windows covered by thick drapes, the lights dimmed considerably; it reminded me vaguely of _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_.

It had crossed my mind several times that it was possible Sasuke could be Rocky, or perhaps Dr. Frankenfurter; I wasn't sure if that thought thrilled me in a good way or bad.

Somewhere on the first floor, Itachi left me to my wanderings, sure that I would happen upon Sasuke's door sooner or later – and I did, positive that it was his by the many ominous warning signs he had posted all over the thick wood; I was almost positive I read something about castration before opening the door, walking into the room as though it was something I did everyday.

Sasuke was lying on his bed, curled into his blankets, seeking some form of warmth he couldn't seem to find. His back was to me, so he didn't know it was me – if I had any doubts, it was when Sasuke opened his mouth to speak, a small squeak compared to his normal voice when he yelled at me. "_Aniki_?"

He rolled over, his eyes still closed – his lip was still swollen, but the rest of his face was clear of any bruising. "It still hurts, _aniki_," he whispered, letting loose a quiet whimper

He wasn't opening his eyes, perhaps afraid that I might really be Itachi. I didn't know what had happened, just that something _had_. I was worried that it might be worse, that once Sasuke removed the blankets and I got to see his wrists they'd be in white bandages, spotted with red.

Or maybe they wouldn't be on his wrists this time, but somewhere else, where he didn't have to cut quite so deep, or maybe some place where he _did_ have to cut deeper. I was almost scared to move closer, but I did, one step at a time until I was standing right beside the bed, within touching distance. If I just held my hand out, I could brush Sasuke's hair from his face, pull the blanket down to see his neck, his wrists…

"Itachi," he whined, wincing a bit as he wormed himself further into the blankets. "Itachi… Big brother, it hurts."

As I watched him, he looked up at me, his large, childish eyes slowly turning back into the spiteful eyes with which he always looked at me; it took a few minutes to realize who I was, that I wasn't Itachi, that I was in his room listening to him cry like a child who had scraped his knee on the sidewalk when he'd fallen.

His dark eyes – they matched the room and the rest of the house – narrowed in rage as he threw the blankets off of him, aiming to hit me in the face before I moved out of the way. I saw his wrists weren't wrapped in bandages, but I did see the bucket by the bed – it reeked of vomit. In the wastebasket by the door was a broken bottle of some prescription or other – vicodin?

Thinking that he would do this – never mind my own attempts – I grew furious. He shouldn't have to do this; he could beat me up all he wanted, break my bones and insult me, but he shouldn't have to do this. My heart wrenched at the thought – of what he was feeling when he had swallowed so many pills.

It made me realize what Iruka and Kakashi must have felt when I didn't talk to them.

He was still trying to hit me, but I was quicker – he was still hurting from whatever he had been crying about earlier; I pounced on him, pinning his arms to his sides as I sat on his stomach, growling out threats in his face. "You stupid bastard," I growled, my voice strained slightly. "You shouldn't have to do this."

I was such a damn hypocrite – preaching against something I lived by to someone who was so much like me, who lived the same way I did. He knew what I was thinking, too, on some level I was sure of it. Perhaps that's the reason he threw his fist at my face again, this time getting his target and reversing our positions.

I was on the bottom, then flipped us over again, only to have my back to the floor once more, all the while trying our hardest to wound the other more. I wasn't sure who was winning, but it ended with several cursed insults, rug burn, and even worse bruises than before.

We stood apart, glaring heatedly, trying to catch our breath. I figured we would start again, but Sasuke turned his back to me, returning to the bed with a beguiling smirk. Bastard. I wanted to fly at him in full rage, but we'd only end up rolling on the floor again.

He didn't stop smirking, giving me a look that told me everything I needed to know: Sasuke was dominant – I was weak; I was not match for him – I probably never would.

I frowned, giving him the harshest glare I could muster – he must have been surprised, as his eyes widened and his eyebrows arched – it was a look of sickness, of betrayal, of something that wasn't quite hatred.

His lips parted to speak, but I didn't give him the chance to say anything, choosing instead to turn abruptly and leave him alone in his bedroom with his bucket of vomit and painful aches. I didn't stop to say farewell to Itachi, or the creepy servants – I needed out of that house as soon as possible before I tried to kill that bastard – or do something even more drastic to myself.

How is it that one guy could manage to piss me off so much?

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Kakashi was waiting for me by the time I arrived home. It never failed to surprise me how he always knew things like that, how he knew when I left or arrived, what went on in my head. He looked about ready to question me, but as he saw the look on my face, he realized it probably wouldn't be the best time; he nodded to me as I passed, knowing I'd be upstairs in my apartment, getting rid of stress in some form or another.

I never have to explain anything to him, and it's comforting sometimes that he knows these things, that he knows how I feel. I don't know how he knows, or why – it's never something I ever really asked, not something I planned on asking, either.

My room was already a mess, so it didn't make much difference when I began tearing things from the wall and knocking over what little furniture I had, scattering clothes and ripping them, screaming out in frustration, no doubt disturbing the neighbors across the hall.

But none of that mattered – I had some serious tension to deal with. If I let it build up like I had in the past it would amount to more painful behavior, more questioning and lectures from Iruka and Kakashi, more shameful looks from my friends and classmates – disapproval from me being the worst.

Kakashi, I knew, would deal with any complaints or questioning the neighbors had – he always did, even before he knew what I was going through. It was just something he'd always done for me, I just didn't understand _why_. I probably never would.

By the time I finished tearing apart my little home, I felt drained of energy – but not of my frustrating emotions after dealing with Sasuke. I filled the tub in the bathroom with hot water, almost wishing it was at boiling temperature so I could burn my skin away and leave a skeleton for anyone who cared.

I was rude, and harsh, and depressing, but I didn't care – Sasuke hadn't exactly tried to make me feel all warm and guest-like, rather the opposite. _Bastard._

Of course, I couldn't blame all my problems on him, as it was obvious that he was dealing with some similar circumstances, if not the same altogether. But neither of us really chose to acknowledge that, choosing instead to beat the hell out of each other until we felt better – it was the closest thing to friendship we'd ever come.

The bathroom was muggy, with steam clouding the mirror and rolling under the door, condensing on every surface available. The tub was finally full, with just enough room for me to submerge without it overflowing over the sides and soaking the floor.

The water wasn't quite to the scalding temperature that I had hoped it would be, but it was hot enough, burning and reddening my tingly skin. It felt almost as though I was melting, nestling into a comfortable burrow for a long night's sleep with a blanket tucked firmly around me.

I dropped my head beneath the surface for a moment, holding my breath but fully intending to come back up for air. I counted to ten before I took fresh, burning air into my lungs, doing it a few more times before deciding that my mind was finally calm enough to sleep restfully, and perhaps return to school without having the urge to kill Sasuke – or anybody else, for that matter.

As I stood and reached for a towel, I glumly realized that I had just soaked another good set of clothes – maybe one of these days I'd learn to take off my clothes before taking a bath.

-

To Be Continued…

-

Thank you so much for your reviews! I appreciate it!

**akiryuu **_(A little underlying uchiha-cest in this one if you tilt your head and squint.)_

**Canadian Furiidamu Fighter 117**

**xcloudx**

**XxHunter The One and OnlyxX **_(Haha, didn't you know it's not "spork" it's "foon"! Hehe…)_

**Kyo's only 1**

**Midnight Shining Star**

**AppleCoreCandyBox**

**kisses1991 **_(I look forward to reading that fic…)_

**mack**

**-**

Ah, forgive me if anything was wrong or confusing. I did most of this while half asleep, granted 12:30 isn't that late at night, but I worked two days with a-little-more-than-six-hours shifts and I am in need of some serious sleep, as I seem to be part insomniac or something and can never sleep a night through.

Good night all! Or… good morning, as it may be.

Review – it's a good anti-depressant!


	10. 10: Watching the Rain Fall Down

**STORY TITLE: **Painting the White to Gray

**CHAPTER TITLE: **Watching the Rain Fall Down

**AUTHOR:** B.J. Sanders

**RATING:** T (rating may increase in further chapters)

**WARNING:** AU in a high school setting. Angst!Naruto. Angst!Sasuke (when is there not?). Mother-Hen!Iruka. Porn-Loving-All-Knowing!Kakashi (seriously, how does he do it?). Pervert!Kiba. Jell-o-Throwing!Naruto.

**STORY SUMMARY: **Sometimes, pain is unbearable, and people need a way to escape. But different people cope in different ways.

**CHAPTER SUMMARY: (**Ah! Almost forgot to do this... Hehe...) It's a rainy day, and for some reason, Sasuke just doesn't want to be around Naruto, no matter how much he may persist.

**DISCLAIMER: **I own nothing that isn't mine. (If I did, I'm scared of what kind of characters I'd turn Naruto and Sasuke into. Scary thought, ne?)

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Gah! It's short – and a filler! So shameful, so shameful… At least I updated! That has to count for something, right? (Faced and poked with killer foons.) Ah… or not.

Please forgive me! I... uh – well, that is, I've been going through a… change? Sure, that works. And it's not physical – entirely. It's mostly mental. And deals with multiple personalities residing within my brain. I think there's five altogether, excluding me; I only know the name of four – the homicidal silent one is still nameless. She-slash-he is kinda creepy, and scares me a bit. But that's cool I suppose.

Yeah, I've probably seem to gone crazy to you all, but it's true. I think. Suki, Joe, Milly, Nema, and the Nameless One. Actually, I just realized who Suki and Milly were the other day. Suki has a thing for the scars on my legs – hates the ones on my arms, but loves the ones on my legs; likes to show them off. And Milly has some kind of weird OCD complex or something – and she in herself tends to have her own emotional breakdowns. Almost had one at work, too.

Now, not only do I have issues, but so do the people in my head… GREAT.

Also! On Halloween, I'm going to be all Christmas-y! And then on Christmas, I'm going to try to talk my roommate into decorating the place like Halloween…! Hahaha!

Oh! And next chapter it gets… juicier? Hehehe… I'll spare the details, but my mind has been working over time on this one.

…Okay. You can read the story now. However belated it may be.

-

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.

--_"GREY'S ANATOMY",_ DR. MEREDITH GREY

-

The rain outside seemed almost torrential as it poured relentlessly, drenching any unlucky enough to get caught beneath the dark clouds – which were steadily growing darker. Had I not known the time of day, with a glance out the window I would have sworn it was night.

The trees in the school yard were being whipped around and thrashed, the leaves flying like razors through the air; it was windy and wet and muddy – but Sasuke Uchiha seemed to be the only one unaffected as he silently walked up the concrete path to school, hands shoved down into his pockets and a blank expression written over his features.

When he entered the class he didn't say anything, the teacher didn't say anything – _nobody_ said anything; he never even looked my way.

If anything, I figured he'd be mad about what had happened, threatening to beat me within an inch of my life – well, that's probably something I'd do, so I shouldn't have been surprised that he didn't get in my face. He didn't even pay attention to the teacher – he must have been pissed.

I winced at the thought of what he might try to do to me when no one else was around – honestly, I hadn't meant to make him mad at all. Guess that's just the way things were supposed to turn out.

Even though we didn't share many classes, the ones we did have together went the same as first – with him completely ignoring me and everything around him while I silently glared an imaginary hole into the back of his skull.

I don't suppose I have the right to be mad at him, however, as his behavior isn't any different than it was before. It may have had something to do with his appearance though – he still had several obvious bruises, his lip still slightly swollen. Maybe I should apologize?

I tried to get his attention at lunch, but he wasn't having any of it – he passed me by, taking no notice of my manic waving and shouting of his name – much to the amusement of my friends, no less.

"Practicing, Naruto?" Kiba questioned, a sly grin crossing his face in a way that made me blush once I realized what he was implying. My reply was to throw my cup of jell-o at him, which he frowned at, trying to wipe his hair clean of the green… _goo._

I – for once – ignored his shout of indignant confusion, choosing instead to focus on following after the object of my thoughts, who – I realized – was becoming a real pain in the ass.

When I managed to catch up to him, he seemed rather irritated and impatient, as though he had a better place to be. Before I could open my mouth – my hand attached to his forearm – he shoved me away with a growl and stormed away.

All I could do was watch helplessly as the rain fell between us, making the ground beneath me slippery as I tried to get up, still watching, remembering the pain in his eyes before he turned.

I'd talk to him later.

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The walk home was long and boring. And very, _very_ wet. Despite how cold and _piercing_ the rain was, it was refreshing, cooled my heated skin. Iruka wouldn't like it though – he would claim I had a fever, and walking home soaked to the bone would no doubt make it _worse._

Iruka could be such a mother hen sometimes – Kakashi's words, not mine. In my opinion, it was rather nice having someone always worrying about me, playing a mother figure where I'd never had one before. It was a comforting thought, albeit weird that a man was playing the part.

At the pace I was going, Iruka would probably be waiting with Kakashi by the time I got home. I picked up my dragging feet, starting to jog before heading off at a full-out run – I'd beat Iruka home no matter what!

Of course, I wasn't expecting the fact that the ground would be so slippery that my shoes – _and feet!_ – would _slip_ right out from under me. I was almost sure I fractured my tailbone – not to mention I knocked the wind from my lungs.

Real_ smart, Naruto_, I mentally scolded. _Real smart._

Kakashi looked like he was about to die from lack of oxygen because he was laughing so much when I got home – for the first time since meeting him, I had a _grandiose_ urge to _kick_ him really hard. That feeling subsided with his laughter when he told me I still had time to change before Iruka arrived.

I leaped for joy – Kakashi belting out his amusement all the while – as I fell _up_ the steps to my apartment. Was I going to die of embarrassment today or what?

My place was just as cluttered as it was when I had left it, a comforting, homey feeling to it – sure, it wasn't much, but it was mine, and that was all that mattered.

I didn't lock the door behind me – something I always did, because Kakashi always knew when someone came in or went out of the building; he was almost like a junkyard dog, protecting all the old, crushed cars. Only this wasn't a junkyard. And he wasn't a dog – all the time; Iruka could argue that one.

I was mindful of the stomping sound steadily increasing as whoever-it-was stormed up the stairs the way I always did after a bout with Sasuke. I figured it was just a neighbor – or had Iruka seen me in my soaked clothes and was about to come fuss over me?

My heart rate increased at the thought that it could be someone else – neither a neighbor nor Iruka. It crossed my mind that I was just being paranoid, that I shouldn't have to worry about things like that.

I turned away, starting to pull my shirt off when my door slammed open, banging against the wall – no doubt it had left a dent where the knob met the wall.

I stood in the middle of my living room, hands above my head and shirt pulled up and almost off, my pants undone and sliding down my hips with every step I took towards the bathroom. My eyes were wide with shock, staring at the person standing in my narrow doorway.

Obviously, Sasuke wasn't expecting to see me half-nude, soaking wet and flushed with embarrassment – Iruka would think it was fever, no matter what kind of _embarrassing_ stories I told him, whether they be true or false.

His shock passed quickly, letting his dark eyes overflow with hatred and anger – again, what the hell had I done? He move towards me, not even giving me a chance to move before his fist collided with the side of my face, knocking me down and leaving me prone as he straddled my hips.

I was sure he was going to hit me again, sure enough to flinch when I saw his hand move in my direction. But I didn't feel an impact – I felt warm breath ghosting across my cheek.

In shock, I turned my head and looked up at him – he still had the look of anger in his eyes, and more anger than before. I saw his lips move, but I wasn't sure what he said – if I had heard it right – my heart was pounding in my ears – if it pumped any harder I was sure I'd be dead.

"Eh?" I asked again, raising my eyebrows and widening my eyes. Had I heard him right after all?

His voice was a growl, baring his teeth like a crazed, wild animal; I watched his tongue wet his lips – were these hormones? I sure hope not, because I've been doing fine these past years without.

"_Fuck _me" he bit out, whispering in my ear.

Oh god – I was going to die of embarrassment today wasn't I?

-

Thank you! Thank you so very, very much!

-

**pUppetEEr-NiNja**

**star **_(Ah, yeah, Uchiha-cest was VERY slight. The hurting wasn't caused from medication, and Sasuke was calling – _endearing_ – his older brother by calling him "Aniki", and acting like his child-self. I suppose I'll explain it further in future chapters. Whenever I get there…)_

**kusuri **_(It's not so much sexual abuse as it is consensual. But yeah, it's sexual abuse. –_that made sense, right?-_ anyway, yeah, Itachi is sleeping with him, but there's more of a psychological issue to it as well. Something to do with their parents' death. …I think.)_

**Canadian Furiidamu Fighter 117**

**Midnight Shining Star**

**xcloudx**

**Cheekyamericangrl211**

**Kyo's only 1**

**XxHunter The One an OnlyxX**

**Kiagou-chan **_(Well, he _was_ going to take off his clothes before taking a bath, but this time Sasuke kind of interrupted him… As for Itachi, he's a very confused person. Sort of Good _and_ Bad. Or something like that.)_

**AppleCoreCandyBox **_(Didn't you know? It doesn't matter how busy my life may get – it's how lazy I am after I'm done! XD)_


	11. 11: It's Not Like That

**STORY TITLE: **Painting the White to Gray

**CHAPTER TITLE: **It's Not Like That

**AUTHOR:** B.J. Sanders

**RATING:** T (rating may increase in further chapters)

**WARNING:** Suicidal tendencies, self-mutilation, pervert-Kakashi, angst-Naruto, Naruto POV. Also, since I didn't put it up earlier, it's AU in a high school setting.

**STORY SUMMARY: **Sometimes, pain is unbearable, and people need a way to escape. But different people cope in different ways.

**CHAPTER SUMMARY: **Neither of them were expecting it to turn out quite like it did, but now it seems everyone at school knows.

**DISCLAIMER: **I own nothing that isn't mine. (If I did, I'm scared of what kind of characters I'd turn Naruto and Sasuke into. Scary thought, ne?)

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Oh my god. Oh my god! O-O!!! I wrote this?! Oh my god! It's… it's… Oh my god… I think I just had to up the rating. It's not that bad – well, as bad as it _could_ be, I suppose – but it's worse (or better, depending!) than what I've ever written. Even as I typed I kept gaping at my words – I'm writing this?!

I nearly keeled over from lack of blood after I typed it and reread it – nosebleed anyone? (And you know, for those of you who actually read this, I'm totally giving away what's going to happen. How do you like them beans?) O-o That little rant made no sense. Pay no attention to it.

Ah… Yay! Finally updated! As for the next one…. I have no idea. I don't even have half the chapter planned out yet, so it may take a while. Add to that my laziness and procrastination… yeah. It'll probably be a while. Hopefully not too long though.

Ah, so many wonderful reviews!!! I'm oh so happy! Wah! 101!!! So happy… T-T. You guys deserve cookies! …eh, but I have to pay bills. That sucks. XP Happy moment ruined.

**Also!** You can** thank**this chapter to the **pervert**currently residing within my head. Or, maybe that's me.

-

Sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It's about what's going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater.

--_"THE HORSE WHISPERER", _TOM BOOKER

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I spluttered indignantly – how could he _ask _that? Well, never mind – he _demanded _it! How could he do that? _Why_ would he do that? I focused on my breathing, trying my hardest to ignore his mouth against my neck, my cheek, my ear – oh god! What is he doing with his _tongue_!

I _squealed_, and turned away from his assaulting mouth – it didn't work out as well as I'd hoped. Instead, it gave him more leverage to attack my neck – which seemed to be hypersensitive to anything Sasuke did.

Kiba had seen this coming hadn't he? That was why he was taunting me earlier at lunch. Bastard – they're all bastards.

I whimpered Sasuke's name unknowingly, turning my head and clenching my eyes, awaiting whatever he was going to do to me. But he did nothing, just sat up and smirked at me, like he'd won a battle and I was the idiot who let him. And I realized I had – what he had been doing _was_ a battle of sorts, but I hadn't realized that. Yup, definitely a bastard.

I didn't let him say anything about his victory, choosing instead to punch him in the jaw, then let a blow land between his ribs. It caught him unaware, and he kneeled, his head lying by my shoulder. I smirked and sneered, rolled my eyes as he coughed, shaking and hacking, whimpering. I stood over him – I wouldn't kick him when he was down; I was better than that.

When I tried to walk away, Sasuke grabbed my knees and yelled something at me, sobbing somewhere near the end, his grip slackening as he lay his head against my thigh. It struck a cord in my heart somewhere to see him like this, and just as I was about to kneel and give him a shoulder to cry on, he turned his eyes back to mine, anger and hate resurfacing.

He tried to hit me, someway, somehow, gripping and clawing his way to standing, leaning on me all the time like he couldn't do it on his own. As soon as he was on his own feet, with his own balance, he threw a few more punches at me, tried to kick me few times. He landed a few, missed a few, then landed against the wall where I pinned him.

This time it was me in his face, teasing him and turning him a sorts of pretty shades of pink – briefly, I wondered what all his adoring fans would think if they knew where he was now, _who_ he was with, what we were doing.

Somewhere between pinning him to the wall and pondering on his adorable flush, my head had gotten considerably closer to his, lips almost touching. I wasn't even thinking when I forced us together, tongue playing against tongue in a strange kind of tug-of-war that only seemed natural when I had him like this; he didn't strain against me at all, just pulling my hair when I didn't play fair.

I was shorter than him – a fair few inches – but I had never noticed until we were face to face against my living room wall, trying to asphyxiate each other with tongue and teeth and mouth, bodies rubbing together in a primal dance.

We were both half-naked, blushing, panting, by the time he opened his mouth to say something, to repeat what he had said earlier. This time his voice was hoarse, straining like the erection barely contained in his pants. My mouth was away from his, knowing what he intended to say, knowing what we would have done anyway without his words, working at his nipples with my tongue, enjoying the way his body writhed beneath me and the whine his voice took as he spoke, words distorted by the knuckles between his teeth, keeping him from screaming out what could possibly be my name.

"Fuck me," he repeated for the seventh time. "_Fuck me_."

That's the only thing he said, leaving teeth marks in the flesh of his finger as my tongue moved lower, slowly – _agonizingly_ – circling his navel, running my finger lightly over the zipper of his pants, bringing out a rough groan when my mouth fiddled with the button, unzipping him with my teeth. Unfortunately, it wasn't as sexy as I had hoped it would be, as my bottom lip got caught between the metal.

Sasuke, of course, got a kick out of it, having enough breath to scoff and call me an idiot for but a minute before I took it away again, taking his hardened length into my mouth, causing him to gasp and hide his surprise behind his hand, his back arching, urging me to continue with his thrusting hips.

I held him down – mostly so he couldn't try to choke me, but also to tease him more than I should be aloud to – completely ignoring the fact that Iruka was probably waiting for me downstairs with Kakashi, tapping his foot in impatience and threatening his boyfriend with the cast iron frying pan if he didn't put his dirty books away.

I pushed the image away, more satisfied with the one before me. Iruka could kill me later.

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I don't think either of us really knew what we were doing until after it was done, when we were both in our right states of mind – in all our blushing, sticky, _naked_ glory. I wonder why the hell he even came to _me_ with that request – or demand or whatever; I'll probably never find out, because as soon as we were conscious and aware, he was out the door before I could blink – I'm almost sure I heard him cursing several very colorful words, but decided to ignore it and clean myself up.

At school, people were looking at me more than usual, furrowing their brows in confusion and whispering in all their little cliques. I didn't completely understand why – they didn't know what had happened between me and Sasuke, did they?

Even Neji, Lee, and Gaara were giving me strange looks. I bit my lip, for the first time really noticing how painful it was – maybe we had kissed a little too hard? At least I knew what everyone was looking at now. They had probably already noticed Sasuke's bruises – it was kind of hard _not_ to with all his fan-girls fussing over him.

For all I knew, they'd probably put two and two together and discovered the hidden plans for my death. _Nobody is allowed to have Sasuke-kun!_ That's probably what they all thought. Of course, thinking about _having_ him, for some reason or other, brought heat to my face – that probably brought more questions to everybody's head.

Somewhere in the distance, I saw Sasuke in his usual secluded company of one, bruises and bandages a stark contrast against the pale skin of his face. He really _did_ look like he'd had a wild night out – of course, I wasn't one to talk; I probably looked three times worse.

I could definitely see where people were the idea to look at me that way. It was embarrassing to think that they knew things like that, that it was so easy to see. Lee, however just gave me a thumbs-up and patted me on the back, smiling his shiny teeth as he led me away from the others, grinning maniacally the way Gaara always did. To tell the truth, it was kind of scary.

He pulled down the collar of his green shirt, revealing nips and marks – obviously from Gaara. He started to explain how he got them, and from the detail he was giving, I would never need to take an anatomy class in my life.

I held up my hand, silencing him before he could get too into it. "It's not like that, Lee," I told him, trying to find some way to show him that what Sasuke and I shared was _not_ love.

"But you two _did_, didn't you?"

I rolled my eyes, nodding even though I didn't want to. It seems that even though we had _fucked_, it was the same as making love to everyone else. But there had been no emotions, just pure, unadulterated hatred – which did not amount to love, no matter what anyone ad to say about it.

"It wasn't love, Lee. It wasn't like that," I repeated.

He didn't want to believe me, tapping his foot that reminded me that way Iruka always did when he didn't believe me or Kakashi. "Then what was it?" he questioned, cocking his head as he waited for an answer.

Honestly, I didn't know what to tell him. He probably wouldn't believe me if I told him it was hate – the complete opposite of what he was hoping for. I turned away from him, looking in the direction Sasuke had previously been, noticing that barely anyone was around. The bell must have rung without me noticing it.

"It's just… not like that." My eyes couldn't meet his, and I waited until he turned and was heading into the main building before finishing. "Because it's hate we share. And pain. Not love."

For the rest of the day, people gave me strange looks, my friends the worst of all – and Sasuke didn't talk to me at all.

-

Thank you for the reviews! Danke! Merci! Arigatou! Gracias! Errr… that's all I can think of…

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**pUppetEEr-NiNja**

**akiryuu**

**kusuri **_(ah… hehehe…)_

**Kyo's only 1**

**FuriidamuloveTokioHotel117**

**xcloudx**

**mizo ai no shi **_(Ah, thank you! I do the same things with reviews.. hehe…)_

**SuAnG hU **_(Yay!!!)_

**AppleCoreCandyBox **_(Hehe… laziness finally subsided… sorta. hehe.)_

**Midnight Shining Star**

**Hidden Pagan **_(Hehe… answer your question?)_

**Individually Packaged **_(hehe… I know what you mean with all those other fics. And thank you for the compliments! XD As for Itachi, I haven't fully developed his character, but he's somewhere on that middle line between good and bad. Er, somewhere. XD)_

**star **_(Yeah, it's still a little further. Not completely sure WHICH chapter it's going to be in… hehe…)_

**Divina14 **_('We're all crazy here…' XD I can't remember what that's from…)_

**Chidori-Hunter994**

**PeachFuz **_(Oooh!! Cookie!)_

**Ira**

**chinadoll27**

**firey Fuu-chan **


	12. 12: Hate Is Just A Word

**STORY TITLE: **Painting the White to Gray

**CHAPTER TITLE: **Hate Is Just A Word

**AUTHOR:** B.J. Sanders

**RATING:** T (rating may increase in further chapters)

**WARNING:** Insane friends, "kink-master" Gaara, a change in Sasuke's behavior, and Kreepy Kakashi Theories.

**STORY SUMMARY: **Sometimes, pain is unbearable, and people need a way to escape. But different people cope in different ways.

**CHAPTER SUMMARY: **Naruto finds something out about Sasuke's brother, and sometime afterwards, Sasuke's demeanor towards Naruto changes drastically, which begings to worry him.

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own the ice cream in the fridge. I don't own the Christmas tree. I don't own the crazy dog outside who sees invisible lizards. And I certainly don't own Naruto and Co. (Which is good for you, I suppose, as instead of sand – that's just what they want you to think is inside – in Gaara's gourde, it would be an endless supply of kinky sex toys he could use on various Naruto bishounen… but that's all just a dream – albeit a VERY happy one! Right Gaara? …Right, I'm gonna go die now, so have fun reading.)

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** I'm so sorry it took so long to update!!! To tell the truth, I forgot it for a week or two (maybe three…) and then my computer went stupid and wouldn't charge. It'll take three or four hundred dollars to fix it, but luckily my roommate is buying me a new one – Yay!!

Hopefully this means that the updates will come more often and not two months between. Also, I haven't had much inspiration for this, but I'm writing it now!! …On my roommate's computer, too. XD Hopefully she won't hurt me too badly…

I suppose that's too much to ask for…

Ah! We just saw Eragon in theaters (though I admit that I've not read the book yet…hehe). It was awesome and amazing! After the movie my roomy bought the soundtrack (and I bought Evanescence's newest CD).

Hopefully I'll have this thing posted before the new year, which starts in thirteen hours (from whence I typing this, as it may be) and I only have a few paragraphs down.

And I still need to find my quote… Damn. (Okay, so I found three… or four.)

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Nothing Brings People together more, then mutual hatred. - Henry Rollins

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If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us. - Hermann Hesse

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I hate you for loving me, I love you for hating me, save yourself. - Peter Steele, Type O Negative

-

Sasuke became a regular visitor to my apartment, in both dream and reality. Either way it was always the same: arguing, fighting, kissing, and then getting into the only reason he came over. There was, however, one main difference – while I slept, my eyes closed in an almost peaceful rest, my mind made up visions of Sasuke making love to me, not the hard, angry _fucking_ that we did in real life.

I don't remember when I first started to think in such a way, having warm and fuzzy feelings towards a boy who was so much like me and yet so different. Each morning I looked forward to seeing him, hoping he would come by later that same day. Most of the time he did – three or four times a week, in fact, if not more. He always left soon after, though, as if waking up to find me in his arms would be too much for him to handle.

For all I know, it could have been that way; for all the time we spent together, I knew next to nothing about him – and he stopped missing school like he had been before, something for which I was grateful.

Almost three weeks after that first night Sasuke came over, I learned that his brother had been arrested, charged with murdering their parents. I wanted Sasuke to talk about it, but the harder I pushed him, the closer he got to running away. I wanted to know why he hadn't told me anything about it before, why I had to hear it from Kakashi first. I was hoping he would answer me – instead he silenced my questions with his lips on mine.

He didn't like talking about himself, and his past seemed a subject that angered him. It was strange he could make me talk about my past, my life, while I could do nothing to him – with exceptions of my dreams, of course.

Sasuke puzzled me one night as we were rolling on the floor, bruising and beating each other as we often did. He had me pinned like that first night, legs intertwined in estranged intimacy; his arms were on either side of my head, holding my hands firmly with his own, body pressed against mine, hot, moist breath mingling.

He was looking at me, and it felt to me to be the first time he was actually _seeing_ me and not someone else. My name slipped from his lips in a silent, wanton whisper as he descended, mouth open and tongue slipping between his teeth to suckle at my neck. It seemed to be the most intimate action he had made toward me, that it wasn't just going to be simple, animalistic fucking.

It started slow and sensual, his lips drawing up to mine, moving in a sweet and passionate dance – a dance of lovers. As his hands slid down to my waist, up under my shirt, I moved mine to his head, burying my fingers into his hair to bring him closer into my being, to make him my being.

Somehow, someway, we ended in my bed, pushing against each other in something more than lust. I didn't remember undressing, or that we ever did, but we were both naked and sweating; he held me against him as he moved inside me, slow and easy. At first it hurt, and he comforted me, hushing me as he kissed away my worries.

Afterwards, we lay together, truly basking in the afterglow of our lovemaking. He hadn't left, and he didn't, not until morning when I woke up to find myself in his arms, his gaze never faltering as he leaned over to kiss me fully on the mouth – a kiss as sweet and passionate as before.

His dark eyes were soft as he spoke, sad, I suppose, and confused. "How I hate you, Naruto." His voice was soft too, but not cruel. "How I hate you."

That's when he left, leaving me to wonder over him, to worry over his abrupt change in character. He spoke hurtful words to me, but his actions told me otherwise, that he didn't really hate me – maybe it was just something about me that he hated.

But I knew how he felt, because I hated him too.

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Throughout the school day I could feel his eyes on me, watching, but not with the usual fervor he usually did, but with something less dangerous, something that felt nicer on the back of my neck, warming my body like only he could.

My friends found it curious the way we looked at each other, how just last week our glances were full of hatred and spite, and this week they were full of understanding and mutual agreement. They wondered aloud, my friends, asking questions on the happenings of what had transpired upon his last visit.

But I could only smile and grin mysteriously. Lee knew without me having to tell him, had known before I had. And Hinata knew for sure, with her shy, all-knowing smile that always made Neji look away with red, flushing cheeks. Gaara just rolled his eyes and huffed in indignant amusement as Lee spoke to me, trying to tell him the details of our "hot, youthful, lovemaking session that was fueled on by the spring-time spirit of rejuvenation and youth!"

I figured I'd leave it to Gaara to tell him that it wasn't Spring, and wouldn't be so for a few more months – he was a dirty-minded kink-master, so I'm sure he'd convince Lee one way or antoher.

Even Iruka and Kakashi wondered at my apparent happiness – as well as Sasuke's. They had even asked why he had left in the _morning_, unlike his usual departure in the middle of the night, as they eerily pointed out. Who knew they watched me so closely? I wondered if they listened at my door, too, when he came over – it would certainly explain how Kakashi came to know so much.

Sasuke corned me at school while I was on a bathroom break, holing me up in one of the stalls, pushing me up against the door as he kissed me fervently. He had never done this at school before, so it caught me by surprise, making the rushing emotions converge and explode in a confused and excited mess of hormones.

When he stopped for breath, he let me catch mine, and I stopped him before he could continue his pleasurable torture upon the rest of my body. I wasn't sure how much he wanted to talk about his brother right now, but I brought up the subject anyway.

"You're brother's gone now, isn't he?"

The fiery look he gave me answered all I needed to know. He hated his brother though I didn't quite know why – hopefully he would tell me some day.

"Well, I know you probably can't afford that big house by yourself, so…" I trailed off, feeling foolish for even thinking about such as stupid idea.

"What exactly are you suggesting, Naruto?" His question was harmless, but the way he said it, voice whispering to my lips as he brushed some of my longer hair behind my ear, stroking the side of my neck as he did … was just a little unsettling.

Suddenly he felt dangerous, like bringing up his brother and suggesting he move out of his house made him morph into some kind of fearless, careless demon without emotions or a heart. He scared me then, but he softened his eyes, looked away in what I assumed was shame; he motioned for me to continue.

"I know my apartment is a bit small, but I think it's probably big enough for two people. That's if you want to, anyway."

I looked down, almost scared that he would refuse my offer. What the hell was I thinking anyway? His house was probably already paid for, and he probably had some kind of monster inheritance that could help him with what bills there were. I didn't push the subject, just unlocked the stall door and walked away, letting him think up an answer on his own time.

I didn't see Sasuke for the rest of the day, not even when I usually ran into him outside of school. And he wasn't waiting at my door when I got home either, not that I really expected him to, but I was hopeful that he would accept my invitation.

Something that I've noticed, though, is that he has some kind of weird timing thing, because he really likes to invade my privacy, especially when I'm soaked and half-dressed.

Just as I was stepping out of the tub – with the door open, I might add, as usual – he comes in through the front door, carrying a few bags of luggage, which he promptly dropped when he saw me – just before I wrapped the towel around my waist too! I was positive I was blushing crimson red, but he didn't seem to notice as he came up to me, pushing the door closed and locking it behind him.

He took my hand in his, removing the towel, then removed his clothes so he was as naked as me. Sasuke stepped into the tub, splashing the water over the sides as he pulled me to him; I could already feel his erection at my belly.

"I still hate you, Naruto," he said as he brought me down into the water with him, turning me so that my back was to his chest.

We were relaxed against the edge of the tub, our feet peeking out of the white, foamy bubbles. I examined the differences, ran my toes over his arches, across his ankles, before I answered him back, sighing, "Yeah, I hate you too Sasuke."

I turned my head to him, awkward in our positions, to look him in the eye, and caught sight of his small grin, a real smile, before he kissed me. And I knew then, that our hatred was something more than hatred – it was a bond.

-

Thank you guys SOOOO much for reviewing my story – and I'm sorry for not updating earlier.

-

**Midnight Shining Star**

**AppleCoreCandyBox**

**Leeduhlee** (You're only as good as you think you are – I don't remember who said that, but I've always remembered it. As for stalking… YAY!!! XDDD)

**LaDyPnAi**

**Hidden Pagan**

**Kiarara**(Thank you!!!)

**Yami-Echo**(Ranting always helps – in my opinion at least, sometime – and I think I know where you're coming from, except my "fathers" never really beat me, at least not physically.)

**Kyo's only 1**

**akiryuu**(Nice choice for a quote XD)

**kusuri**(Yes, I am basking! XD And yes, I LOVE horses! And as for Sasuke's unusual request, you shall find out! XP. …You know, I don't have any tissues here, just paper towels and toilet paper… damn.)

**Divina14**

**FuriidamulovesTokioHotel117**

**chinadoll27**

**xcloudx**

**Kouen-Koji**

**JWUP**

**creepy crab**

**-**

If you hate your parents, the man or the establishment, don't show them up by getting wasted and wrapping your car around a tree. If you really want to rebel against your parents: outearn them, outlive them, and know more than they do. - Henry Rollins

**-**

I know that this story may sound like it's finished, but I don't think it is. It just may take me a little while to update again. But at least I finished this chapter, so hooray for me! XD Hehe…

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To Be Continued…


	13. 13: Drowning In A Daydream

**STORY TITLE: **Painting the White to Gray

**CHAPTER TITLE: **Drowning In A Daydream

**AUTHOR:** B.J. Sanders

**RATING:** T (rating may increase in further chapters)

**WARNING:** Character Death, Dreams, Bathtub!Love, Nympho!Sasuke, Cute!-and-Innocent!Naruto, Blood, lots of blood.

**STORY SUMMARY: **Sometimes, pain is unbearable, and people need a way to escape. But different people cope in different ways.

**CHAPTER SUMMARY: **Naruto sees something terrifying, and he can only hope it's a dream.

**DISCLAIMER: **As of Today I own Kiyoshi (my Betta fish) and Sugar-Frosted-Skunk-Kitty-A.K.A.-Sugar-B.-Valentine. Yes, I actually DO own something, granted they are not of the Naruto world – or the Naruto universe, for that matter. I used to own Hannibal, but he died and had to "Fishy go down da hooole".

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Okay, so I have a new laptop. Yay. And my story is on the magical thirteenth chapter – don't you just love that number? Actually, believe it or not, I actually started this chapter in third person point-of-view when I began writing it... er, January I think. EARLY January, too!

This is the time when I REALLY wish I had the other computer, as it had half of the last chapter on it. (Not that this is the last chapter, no, not at all.) I just wanted to use it for the first part of my story. But I only remember parts of it, so I have to rewrite it all over again. Bleh!

Also, as mentioned in the disclaimer, I have a new kitty! I call him Sugar, for short. Or Munster – because that's what he is. But he's so CUTE when he sleeps, even though he snores. His last name is Valentine (pron. Val-en-teen), as I got him on St. Valentine's Day. And he IS such a sweetheart!

As for the title of the chapter, happened sometime before I posted, when I was doing the reviews at the bottom, actually. Corrosion Of Conformity was MusicChoice, playing "Drowning In A Daydream", and I thought "PERFECT!" Well... at least, for the first part of the story. Sometimes I love the voices in my head...

Ah **DEDICATION!!!!** I would like to dedicate this to AppleCoreCandyBox! I was searching through my e-mail, the fanfiction updates that I had put off for a long time (for lack of motivation... among other excuses) and one of them was one of AppleCoreCandyBox's stories. One for which I had been waiting for a long time. I didn't really remember much, so I read through it. (And it all came back, as it often does.) Awesomeness!

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"_I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain."_

_--_JamesBaldwin

-

I knew something was wrong the moment I stepped through the door; I wouldn't believe what my mind was trying to tell me, what I undoubtedly already knew. After all, waking up to find Sasuke beside me every morning was ritualistic and comfortable. And I still had to get him back for the last trick he'd pulled, dirty bastard. So I didn't really think anything when I put the bags down and then headed to the bathroom.

It had been raining earlier, but now there was nothing but sunshine, and even a little arching rainbow off in the distance above a few of those official-like buildings that looked to be made of glass; my thoughts darkened considerably after I opened the door – all I saw was red and white and black.

Sasuke was lying there, lying in the middle of the floor, a bloody, broken razor in his stained hands; he had bled a lot, from his wrists, and various other places that were blending into the carpet and the wall. His skin was extremely white, so stark against his emptied veins.

It was too much to take in all at once – I'd though he'd been happy, at the very least, happier than before. Now, when it was too late, I wasn't so sure. Why hadn't he told me about this? I could've helped – I was familiar in the ways of Sasuke, we'd been through semi-similar circumstances – I could've understood, had he opened his stupid mouth to talk instead of insult.

But that hadn't been the case.

No, instead I had to come home to find... this. I forgot about the groceries, forgot about the milk and the eggs and the ice cream; none of it mattered anymore – all I saw was Sasuke, and I wasn't about to leave him there alone. I didn't cry – wouldn't, couldn't – knowing that if Sasuke found out, I'd only get that one glare, the one that proclaimed I was useless, child-like, _girly_.

So I just sat there, with Sasuke's head in my lap, pulling my fingers through the dark hair made sticky and hard with drying blood. I don't remember when Kakashi and Iruka got there, but suddenly they were, and by the time I looked up, they were standing in the doorway, watching me silently as I mourned; they had already called the paramedics, though it took awhile for them to get there.

Sometime after they had assessed the situation, made sure that the Sasuke wasn't going anywhere, they left me there, and I cried. Finally. I gripped onto his shirt, not caring that I was smearing myself with his blood; the sorrow was waving off of him like an aura, nearly suffocating me – not that I wanted to breathe in the first place, but I liked to feel that he was sorry for leaving me alone like this.

I started rocking back and forth, holding him to me as tight as I could, whispering and soothing and crying.

"It's okay. It's okay."

It turned into a mantra, and it was all I could say: "It's okay, you're okay, it's all right." Kakashi and Iruka watched me with tearful gazes, knowing how much this had hurt me. I picked up Sasuke's wrist, the hazy draw of blood sticky in my grasp, and brought it to my lips, whispering the words into the wound, kissing it lightly.

"Nah... Naruto," Iruka started, trying his best not to choke on his words and failing miserably. "He's gone, he... He can't hear you anymore."

I shook my head, still rocking, still holding Sasuke's limp, cold form to my chest. "No!" I tried to yell, to scream, but it came out as a scratchy gasp, a choked sob. "No, he's not! He woudn't leave me... he wouldn't..."

I was trying to convince myself that what I knew was a lie – that Sasuke wasn't really gone, that he was right here, playing a terrible joke on me, and even though it was cruel and humorless, I wouldn't give up on him. I wouldn't... I couldn't...

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Sometime after that I realized that I _really_ couldn't breathe, that no matter how hard I tried to take a decent breath, nothing came except a heavy feeling in my chest, wet and warm and... fragrant, like roses or gardenia or jasmine. _Some_ kind of flower. And suddenly I was choking, opening my eyes to see the once-again familiar setting of my bathroom. I looked around, searching for any sign of blood, any sign of a dead Sasuke.

I was soaked, and cramped even though I was usually comfortable in my tub. Arms were around my waist, though loosely, and a knee was between my legs, a knee that was very obviously _not_ mine. I turned – _carefully, _so as not to disturb the one behind me – and proceeded to have a _near-fatal_ heart attack; I launched at Sasuke, waking him from his oh-so-cute-but-soaked-sleep to bring his tongue to mine, startling him enough to get a reaction – he bit my lip; I proceeded to curse.

"Cruel, cold, sadistic bastard!" There were a few other words, much more colorful, floating around my head, but I decided not to say them.

"You're the idiot who tried to tackle me awake." He was cold and aloof, arms dangling over the side of the tub, _inviting_ me to jump at him, start the fight that would eventually lead to sex. Damn bastard was crazy – all he wanted was the sex, stupid sex-craving lunatic.

I wasn't about to fall for it.

My eyes were tearing, I knew, and my bottom lip – the one that was bleeding – was quivering; I added sniffles, too, just to authenticate the look of a poor lost soul who's had his heart broken too many times. Sasuke fell for it, taking me into his arms to whisper sweet nothings into my ear, telling me everything would be okay... and then the tears were real, I knew.

I clung to his shoulders, trying not to dig in too deeply, but trying not to sob too loudly, either. I choked out my story – my dream as it was – and heard him laugh bitterly; I looked up at him, eyes red and blotchy, blood smeared chin and mouth. I looked the picture of innocence.

"You're a fool, you really are." He looked into my eyes, brought my face closer, caressed my cheek with his thumb. "I have no reason to leave you, Naruto – what makes you think I would?"

And he kissed me – a soft, light, open-hearted kind of kiss that makes girls weak in the knees, makes girls believe in true love and Cinderella-like happily-ever-afters. Had I not already been sitting, I would have done the same thing; he licked at my newest wound, cleaned away the blood, pulled away to look at me again. His mistake.

I took a chance to notice our surroundings, noticing that we were still in the tub – with dirty water, though warm and bubbly and _flowery _smelling, some having spilled out over the edge onto the floor. I looked at our hands, all wrinkly and prune-y. I spared Sasuke a questioning glance.

"Why are we still in the tub?" I blinked up at him, once again assuming the look of total and pure innocence.

But, as always, his answers were always blunt and crude. "Because we never got out." Okay, so not entirely crude...

_What happened? _Was roaming somewhere in my mind, but he answered before I got the chance to ask, by rubbing a certain _part_ of himself against my stomach...

"What are you?!" I exclaimed, moving back. "A sex machine?!" The water once again splashed over the sides of the tub, and with all of our moving about, I was surprised there was any left.

Sasuke moved after me, pinning against the opposite side of the tub, grinning down at me in such a devious way that I... Well, we certainly need foreplay, not with the things he was mentally promising me. I felt myself moan. Before it got too out of hand, I stopped him, breathing harshly even though we hadn't actually done anything – yet.

"Wait... wait. Can we do this somewhere else? Say, maybe the bed?"

He gave me the look that asked me "What the hell are you on about now?" even though he didn't say it aloud, with his arched brow, and quirky smirk.

I put my hands up in front of him. "Look!" I exclaimed. "Just look what you did to me! I'm a _prune_!" I took his hand, and showed it to him. "And so are you!" He didn't seem to know what I was talking about, so I rolled my eyes and continued. "I'm not sure about you, but I _really_ don't want to be a prune for the rest of my life." I paused, shaking my head and pulling at my ear. "Plus I'm waterlogged."

And so he stood, in all of his _hard_, nude glory. Great, not only was he a sex-maniac, he didn't seem the least bit shy about it either. What the hell was up with this guy? ...Well, never mind with _that_ question, as I think I already _know_ what's _up_ with him. He didn't wait for me to say anything, just pulled me out of the water and _carried_ me to the bed. And proceeded to screw me senseless.

I _really, really_ hoped Iruka wasn't staying over at Kakashi's, and if he wasn't, I really hoped Kakashi didn't tell Iruka about all the noise Sasuke and I were making now. Actually, I didn't care at all what was happening downstairs, as long as it didn't interfere with what Sasuke was currently doing.

And even though it went on like ..._that_ for... _awhile_, the dream I'd had while in the bathtub never left me, so every time Sasuke got close enough to me, I hung on for dear life – his dear life.

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To Be Continued...

-

**KianaRia** _(Cookie? You say cookie?)_

**Midnight Shining Star**

**Mizuchi Karadia**_ (Woot! That song rocks! ...Actually, I bought the entire CD just to listen to it. And we're all crazy. Here, at least.)_

**BakedBunny**_ (I'm a little paranoid too, especially when I'm alone, or in the shower – especially!...for various reasons – and whenever I meet someone new... the list goes on. And I've TRIED a few different times, though... it obviously didn't work. Ah, and thank you!)_

**Tarkemelhion**_ (Yeah, Naruto as the suicidal type IS rather OOC, huh? I was sorta angsting when I wrote this... thus 'Painting The White To Gray'.)_

**Empress-Dragon**

**SuAnG hU**

**Aishanu Soma**

**Kyo's only 1**

**kusuri**_ (Wah! Fanart?! Totally cool! ...Hehe... I've thought about it too, but... The only thing I've drawn is Naruto and Sasuke shirtless with their jeans unbottoned... and they're on separate sheets of paper. The only reason they're not on DevArt or my website yet is... well, I haven't hooked up the scanner to my computer yet... so lazy.)_

**Azamiko **_(Please... who's sane in this place? I know I'm not... which may or may not be a good thing.)_

**Xia Momo Capernicus**_ (Furiidamu... you changed your name... just when I was getting used to typing it, too... :))_

**AppleCoreCandyBox**

**chinadoll27**

**creepy crab**_ (Awww... you were worried? T-T I feel so loved...)_

**Lou**_ (Errr... I don't really remember putting Zabuza or Haku in here... I'm not sure. Now I'm gonna have to re-re-re-read it...)_

**nwfairy**_ (I don't know WHAT I have, and I haven't seen a therapist yet, even though I promised my friends I would when I moved down here to where I'm "living" now. I've been here like eight months or so... no luck. I've never done drugs – don't plan to – and I CAN'T drink – no tolerance whatsoever. Mom let me have half a daquiri – I was loopy the rest of the day, chasing one of my friends around because she'd stolen my slurpee that I'd already finished. I write and draw, but writing only really helps with the pain, but that's not what I usually turn to. Usually it's my... well, it's my knife. I've never made a too-serious cut, where I needed stitches or medical attention, but some do go kinda deep. My Mom's not really Mom-like at all – doesn't care if I drink, smoke, have sex. She actually offered "protection" when I went to the prom, granted I didn't go to prom, just hung around with some friends... or did I stay at home? Don't remember, actually. Wasn't that big of deal anyway. As for the fathers I've known (yes, plural) none of them were my REAL father, but just as well, as they were better at being rats and snakes than men. Needless to say, they were bad men... Wow, should I put where I was born too, because that's a good part of my history I just spewed out... granted not all in detail... Yah, shutting up now.)_

**Incognito Flamingo**_ (I started reading the manga online, and I think I got as far as three years after Sasuke... am I ruining anything for you?)_

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Ah, okay... So now I'll tell you part of the truth of my absence... I've been abducted... by the little bugs of Kingdom Hearts. I haven't played the game or anything (I DID look up the Character Information on Wikipedia, though so as not to be too lost.). Yeah, I was introduced to it by **The Writer You Fools**. And she writes some Naruto fics, too!

I've thought about writing a short little KH fic, but I'm not sure.

Also, I think Painting The White To Gray only has a few more chapters to go. Now that I've used what I had planned for the ending as a dream, I'm not sure how to end it. Gah! Look what you people made me do! ...Okay. Dramatic moment over. I feel better.

You guys are so awesome. 136 reviews. Wow. And 11481 hits. You guys really make my day.

Love and hugs and all that other mushy stuff!!!

And cookies!!! er... wait. I don't have any. Cat food? Fish food? Halloween candy that only consists of DumDums and Tootsie Rolls? Hey! I have Spanikopita in the freezer! ...Or not. Okay. I'll see what I can do for the next chapter! ...Just, don't hold your breath.


	14. 14: Never Let You Go

**STORY TITLE: **Painting the White to Gray

**CHAPTER TITLE: **Never Let You Go

**AUTHOR:** B.J. Sanders

**RATING:** T (Nothing too graphic in this chapter. Sorry.)

**WARNING:** Pervert!Kakashi (really, what else is new?!), Avenger!Sasuke, Clingy!Naruto (?), Porn-Exterminator!Iruka (It makes you wonder how he ever really got on with Kakashi in the first place...) Uchihacest! (You're probably thinking finally, huh?)

**STORY SUMMARY: **Sometimes, pain is unbearable, and people need a way to escape. But different people cope in different ways.

**CHAPTER SUMMARY: **After his brother escapes, Sasuke decides he needs revenge, but after a talk with Naruto about his past, maybe he needs to re-prioritize?

**DISCLAIMER: **I have a cat and a fish – what more do you want?! Blood-sucking, donut eating Nazi's... (Name adopted to the cops on Need For Speed Hot Pursuit 2 by myself and Kara. It was a late evening at the time, but the name stuck, though I'm pretty sure that's not the original...)

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** OhMiGod! I live! (hard to believe, isn't it?) Yes, I suppose I took a LITTLE time to get this chapter out – but I have a good excuse! (Read As: A perfectly good plan executed as a play on procrastination!) I finally had my first StarBucks – I had a Green Tea Frap. It was really weird, but it was better than the Green Tea Latte, even though that was okay. And I just went to Red Lobster – for the first time! I saw Meet the Robinsons, too. I liked the dinosaur best! He rocked!

And I moved! I'm back in Bell, living with Mindy and her girlfriend, and rooming with Kara. At least for a little while. They're about to graduate, and we're supposed to move (again!) and supposedly get a place with Josh, but I still don't know what's going on... (So, post-currently ?, I am in the back room, getting ready to move to California. Maybe to live, maybe just to visit. I don't know yet.)

I've also caught up on my reading! I'm halfway through The Catcher In The Rye (by JD Salinger) and it's pretty good. I just have to finish it. And I just got Prozac Nation and Girl, Interrupted (The book mind you, though the movie rocked too!).

And I think I've gotten over my most recent emotional... crisis? Not sure what the correct word is. I was all agsty and emo – that's what everyone else says. And I stopped eating for a little while – lost like six pounds or so in about a week. It was crazy. And I ended up doing a first – I've never carved with plastic before until the other day, when I was sitting in the Chief Theater waiting for Mindy to finish Drama practice – anyway, I was chewing on a plastic spoon, and a piece broke (a sharp piece, too) and I ended up carving up my knee something good. Not too terribly bad, it just hurts when I touch it. So I've taken to carrying about alcohol pads and band-aids in my wallet, in case something like that happens again. (Post-currently – again – I'm seeing a shrink two, in fact and I just turned over my one and lonely razerblade, and I'm on medication because I'm evidently Bipolar. It's called depakote or something. I don't think that stuff works all that well...) (And the whole emotional... crisis? thing is still evidently on, too. I actually cried today because my aunt said she loved me.)

The thing was, though, that I had no real reason to do it. I just felt like cutting or whatever and started scratching away with a broken spoon. ...And my mom said I didn't need help! Speaking of which, I still haven't seen a doctor – which is bad, cause I'm really starting to doubt my sanity here – seriously! I was going all Turret's on blank air next to me – something about "man-eating fish-things". Don't ask, it was freaking. Everyone was edging away and avoiding me.

Oh! But I saw Nana (the movie! It rocks! Now I'm waiting for the second one.) and I finally got to watch Death Note 2. It was awesomeness! And I FINALLY saw Silence of the Lambs – and what's really sad: I thought it was funny when he got away. That totally rocked. I started laughing (and that wasn't the only part, either!) Mindy was giving me weird looks, and Mama Bear said that I was a cannibal, I just didn't know it. I guess I just have weird fascinations with serial killers and cannibalism – Jeffrey Dahmer was interesting, and I wanted to know more about Robert Bordella (he wasn't a cannibal, that I know of), but I still have to read up on Ed Gein and some others. I have books, I'll read up about it eventually...

Yeah, ranting, ranting.. I know. Story time! Woot! ...It's late.. or early. Whatever, just don't ask.

(So, yeah, I wrote that when I actually started this thing – as in chapter – and it's horrible! It's short – I wouldn't be surprised if this author's note is longer... but at least I tried. And it's **NOT THE LAST CHAPTER!!! THERE'S AT LEAST ONE MORE.** An Epilogue. YAY! ...Okay, so maybe the depakote does work... just a little.)

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"Hate is often an obverse form of love. You hate someone whom you really wish to love but whom you cannot love. Perhaps he himself prevents you. Hate is a disguised form of love. You can only hate someone that you have the capacity to love because if you are really indifferent, you cannot even get up enough energy to hate him. Hatred is the frustration or blockage of normal, free-flowing love."

_-Sri Chinmoy_

-

Wednesday awkwardly found us sitting uncomfortably nervous at the kitchen table at Kakashi's, Iruka noticeably blushing and casting glances at the far wall, Kakashi making strange faces and awful eyebrow movements in our general direction; Sasuke was clearly ignoring it, but I found myself not quite so lucky.

Iruka had found out all too well what Sasuke and I had been up to since he had moved in, even if he hadn't wanted to, Kakashi had _recorded_ it, the dirty bastard – luckily, Iruka thought of it as just another annoyance to be thrown out when his boyfriend wasn't looking; surprisingly, he had done rather well at cleaning out the clutter – read as _porn-and-everything-Pervert!Kakashi-related_ – from the closet and every other room in the small apartment. The place actually looked halfway decent, for a change – not that I'd ever tell Kakashi anything like that – at least not straight to his face; maybe to Iruka, I might.

Sometime before the dream – _nightmare –_ or maybe after, I started realizing that Sasuke was being distant – well, more distant than he already was. He hadn't even done his evil glare when Kakashi had whisked out the tape of their "_love noises_", or that sexy little smirk of his when Iruka chucked – quite literally – the pieces into the trash and smacked Kakashi in the back of the head. In no specific order – or quantity.

Instead, it seemed, he had been listening to the TV, tuned in on one of the random news channels where a newscaster was pleasantly presenting the latest breaking news.

"_...where it seems the heir of _Uchiha Industries, Inc._, onc Uchiha Itachi, has been missing for the past few days. Currently under suspicion for the murder of his family, he was arrested and taken from his home to the local police station – where he was confined and further questioned. _

"_He is possibly armed and considered very dangerous, so please be careful. And if you have any information concerning the whereabouts of this fugitive, please call..."_

After several numbers were listed across the screen, news turned to weather, but that did nothing to sooth the building tension in the room. I knew, without a doubt, what Sasuke was intending, what he would do whether I wanted him to or not.

Kakashi and Iruka, as if sensing this was a moment they shouldn't witness, moved into the living room to browse through the movies; I turned to Sasuke, shaking my head, pleading with him not to hunt down his brother.

He ignored me, moved over to the couch and waited for me to follow.

All through the movie I wouldn't let go of him. And whenever he moved, my eyes would automatically go to his. _Don't runaway from me!_ I wanted to scream, but I didn't, and we turned our attention back to the television screen.

When we left to go upstairs, I wouldn't let go of him either. He tried to go to the bathroom, but I wouldn't let him go. I had his arm and I had no intention of letting him leave.

Somehow, though, I found myself beneath him, pressed against my own mattress as Sasuke ran his teeth across my throat, over my collarbone, driving me crazy as he pressed into all the right spots.

"Don't... don't leave..."

That's all I could say. Over and over again.

By morning he was gone.

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Before he left – in the afterglow of really-hard-but-totally-fantastic sex – he told me just what exactly had been done to him by his older brother.

In fact, he told me, that one time I had come over, Itachi had just finished banging him into his own mattress – much the same way he had just done to me. Only, with his brother involved, there was a lot more pain and a lot less "whatever the hell we have".

Itachi had been doing it since they were children, which was something his family had never approved of, so he had left. His mother had put Sasuke into therapy, hoping it would help with whatever side-effects he might have been dealing with.

And everything was fine. For awhile.

Itachi came back, and when that happened, it was strangely just Itachi and Sasuke – about a week later, the police visited and said that their family's remains had just been found.

After that, Sasuke said, is when Itachi had started to change – he was turned on by pain – specifically Sasuke's – and he wasn't gentle anymore. He was cold, and heartless, and crazy.

Sasuke could take the pain – he'd had no problem with that, or the fact that his brother was fucking him because he could take the pain – that was just the way Itachi showed his love.

What Sasuke couldn't take was how he was becoming so much like Itachi – cold and heartless and cruel. "Probably crazy, too," he'd said. That's why he'd tried to kill himself – to keep from becoming his brother.

"But if you killed your brother," I pointed out, trying not to yawn too noticeably – it was already three in the morning. "You'd be just like him. And you're not like him Sasuke."

When I woke up, I found the note on the table. I'm not sure if I wanted to laugh or cry – I'm sure I did a bit of both.

_You know, Naruto... I don't think I really hate you at all. Well, maybe not quite as much as we say we hate each other. But thanks. Really._

I smiled, folding the little paper into fours and setting it down for later – it was currently breakfast time.

* * *

THANK YOU TO ALL MY LOVELY REVIEWERS!!!! If I forgot anyone... I'm really sorry!

**SuAnG hU**

**buttongirl** (mmmm...yummy cookie...)

**nwfairy** (thank you! -oh, and thank you for visiting my dev-art account. I just checked it the other day. My friend and her family are wiccan, so that's cool. I don't really have a religion - or a sexuality. I'm still looking. And thank you for the kisses and hope and love!)

**Kouen-Koji** (I saw it happening in my head very clearly. It was creepy.)

**kusuri** (oh, I don't know. I just like art!)

**Azamiko** (Well, this isn't the happy ending, but it's not the last chapter, so there's still hope!)

**xcloudx**

**Kyo's only 1**

**Incognito Flamingo** (bleh, tests suck)

**kisses1991** (yeah, a dream in the bath. Again. It seems everything happens in the bath, ne?)

**Xia Momo Capernicus** (yeah, emotional responses are always good, I suppose. But I'm dreading re-reading this story cause it's gonna make me cry...)

**AppleCoreCandyBox** (No one had been harmed - and hopefully no one will be - in the making of this... er, book. All stunts were performed with professional stunt actor people, so no need to fear! ...yeah, I have no idea where I'm going with that one anymore...)

**Kitsune-Yume** (Thank you. I've been there - still am, and I only seem to be digging myself deeper - but I hope everything works out for you, too. Good luck.)

**creepy crab** (Yes, Sasuke's a pervert - and he's probably not finished being one...)

**crazy-mutt** (I do the same thing... Skipping over the parts I find boring, I mean. I've always done it, ever since I read The Wizard of Oz in elementary school. And as for all the angst and emotions and things... those usually come from me and my wavering moods as I type.)

**ursan-canine** (Irony rocks!)

**Wonderland Reject**


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